Biff Rambles On About … Hopped Up Bunnies, Fear of Flailing, and Idle Thoughts

 

I feel like I haven’t written much lately.  However, a quick perusal of my blog shows me that I’ve been posting about as much as I usually do.  It just goes to show you how often our perceptions have nothing to do with reality.

That would explain a lot about the current mood of the world.

Speaking of moods, mine is quite elevated today.  I decided, on a whim, to leave work early.  And why wouldn’t I?  I had all my hours for the week in yesterday, so my going into work today was just an act of charity on my part, for they stop paying me after the 40 hour mark.

So what is my incentive to work beyond that?

I mean, other than that whole afraid-of-losing-my-job thing?  In our modern world, we must work like hyperactive bunnies on amphetamines all the time or else we are perceived as slackers and loafers and when the next round of layoffs comes around, we are at the top of the list with a bullet.

That may not actually be reality.  It is that whole perception thing I was talking about earlier.  Our fear of losing our jobs may just be something we do to ourselves.  Perhaps our managers don’t even notice what we do.  Or that we are even there.  That would explain why, at each of my annual performance reviews, my supervisor always opens the meeting with, “Now, who are you again?”

But I’m not going to worry about that today.  This was an unscheduled, impromptu, and much-needed one-day sabbatical.  And how am I choosing to spend it?

Well, so far I have put cleaned up the kitchen, put on a load of laundry, and scrubbed down the downstairs powder room.

Man!  I really need to learn how to relax!

I wonder if there are classes I could take on how to relax?  There might be classes such as the following:

Sitting 101

This beginning level class explores the complexities of blending sitting with doing nothing.  It will cover such topics as:  fidgeting, determining if a book is too far away to reach, what to do if your drink is still downstairs in the refrigerator, and how to ignore the clutter around you by closing your eyes.

Napping 220

This is a sophomore class that builds on the skills learned in preschool concerning napping in the middle of the day.  Topics include:  reclining without putting a strain on your lower back, the use of headphones to block out the sounds of coworkers or family members, the selection of objects suitable to put your feet on, and the correct placement of arms to avoid them falling asleep on their own without you.

Selective Perception 410

This is a senior level class on how to not see things that need to be done.  It will cover the subtleties of eye direction and aspect in order to keep them pointed away from DIY projects at all times.  It will teach the student the art of saying “no” without adding modifiers such as “not right now” or “but maybe later”.  It will teach how to speak definitively with phases such as, “Not no, but hell no!”, “I see nothing!” (in a German accent), and “Go pound sand up a rope.”    It will teach the student to not only not see things that need to be done, but to put one’s feet on that thing and lean back to take a nap.

Book Staring 330

This is a junior level class to teach the skills necessary to stare at a book, magazine, or eBook without actually seeing anything.  The student will learn mind tricks to not only avoid reading any words that are within eyesight, but to literally have them fade and disappear.  With this skill, a page with matter printed upon it will just become a blank page.  Book Staring 520 will build upon these skills so that the student will not only be able to stare at reading material without reading it or even seeing it, but, if questioned, will not even be able to recall holding the printed matter (even if still holding it when questioned).

Not Thinking 570

This post-graduate class will teach students the art of not thinking.  Men can do this naturally, but it is a skill that can be acquired by all with some practice and guided exercises.  One can be taught to stare ahead in a sort of zen state and have one’s mind go completely blank.  One is conscious, but just barely.  When coming out of this state, the student will have no recollection of having been in the state … or even of having been in the world.  When asked “What are you thinking?” the student can answer truthfully, “Huh?  What?  Where am I?”

Anyway, that is enough posting for now.  If I am to fully enjoy this day off, I need to get away from all of the chores and DIY projects that are staring at me accusingly.  I must get out of the house and go somewhere where I can achieve maximum idleness and inertia.  I am thinking maybe Barnes & Noble … or a coffee shop … or something like that.

But what I think I will really do is drive to a park, recline my car seat, and take a nap while listening to the rain on the roof.