Biff Sock Pow

Finding the humor in everyday life.

Archive for the tag “Weekend”

Sunday Round-up: Special Father’s Day Edition

Cowboy roping steer

It was a wonderful weekend in Biffville.  And why wouldn’t it be?  After all, it was a weekend.  A weekend, I tell you!  Need I say more?

Well, I must say more, or this post will be entirely too short.

The best part of the weekend was, of course, that I did not have to go to work.  That left lots of time in which to enjoy not being at work.

Secondly, it was Father’s Day weekend, so I got to do lots of out-of-the-ordinary things like sleep in, not mow the yard, and eat at whatever restaurant I wanted to for multiple meals.

Regarding the sleeping-in …. I do so love not having to get up at the crack of dawn in the morning.  I am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination.  But the down side to sleeping in is that by the time I wake up, shave, shower, dress, and consume enough coffee to become sentient, a sizable chunk of the day is missing and so I have to scramble to cram the rest of the day’s activities into whatever time is remaining in the day.  It is very stressful.  Relaxing does not come naturally to me.  I have to work at it and stress over it.

Regarding not mowing the yard, I think this is self-explanatory.  I have met one or two people in my life who purported to enjoy mowing the yard, but though I did not call them a bald-faced liar right to their face, I did edge away from them slowly while smiling so as not to unnecessarily agitate them.  If someone would lie about something as benign as yard mowing, who knows what else they are capable of?  One shudders to think.

(And by the way, before any of my readers in parts of the world who enjoy moderate, temperate climates get your torches and pitchforks, I am not speaking of you.  I am talking of people who live in Texas.  Doing any sort of work outside in Texas in the summer is akin to dirt farming on the surface of the sun.  I’m sure even _I_ would enjoy mowing the yard somewhere where the temperature was below 100 and the humidity was not 99.9%.)

Regarding getting to choose the restaurants this weekend, that proved to be more stressful than it was worth.  I like food.  Nearly any kind of food.  Furthermore, I am perfectly happy eating the exact same meal every day for decades on end.  On the other hand, others are not so indiscriminate.  Every time I pick a restaurant, what follows is a litany of, “We just ate there last month.”  “What, there again?”  “Their food is too spicy (or not spicy enough).”  “That’s so far away.”   “The service there is lousy.”  “I once knew someone who worked with a person who read a reviewer on Yelp who said they knew someone who had a brother who’s kid went to school with a kid who got sick there one time.”   And it goes on and on.  But then when I don’t pick a restaurant, the toe-tapping begins and the impatient sighs.  So, when it’s my turn to choose a restaurant, the stress usually ruins my appetite.

Also, I got some cool gifts today.  A Bob’s Burgers “World’s Greatest Dad” mug.  And a copy of William Faulkner’s “Collected Stories“.  Okay, that last one I picked out myself, but when I said I’m going to the bookstore, I was instructed “Get something you want and don’t talk yourself out of it this time“, and so it counts as a gift.  I think.  I need to retake the on-line training module concerning gifts and gratuities.

But all in all it was a great weekend.  I hope all you other dads out there had a great weekend, too!  In fact, I hope EVERYONE had a great weekend!

 

 

Poor Biff’s Almanac: Why the Day Started Out Not Sucking, but Got Better

Hair band and bobby pin

It is a lazy Saturday here in Biff-land. Well, technically, the day itself isn’t lazy.  I am the lazy one and I am just blaming it on the day.  I’m one of those people that projects my own failings onto others so that I don’t have to do anything about them.  (Just kidding!  I’m really not.  But Saturday really is a big slacker!  Ha ha!)

Not much exciting going on here in the thousand-square-mile desert of suburbia known as North Texas.  I have been cleaning house most of the day.  It really shouldn’t take most of the day, but nothing is ever simple in life.   For instance, I was going to vacuum the carpets.  No big deal.  Should take about 30 minutes, tops, AND it’s good exercise.

But of course, the vacuum cleaner sucks.  Or rather, it doesn’t suck, which sucks.  I could hold the nozzle right up to a wimpy little dust bunny and … nothing.  The dust bunny would actually drift away from the vacuum cleaner.

So, I took apart the vacuum cleaner.

[Fair warning to the squeamish.  Just go to the next post.]

Wrapped around the agitator brush, I found enough hair to donate to Locks of Love.  (Don’t worry, I’m not the sort of person who donates vacuum cleaner hair to charities.)  Using scissors, knives, needle-nose pliers, and a steel brush, I got the agitator looking brand new.  Then I cleaned out all the ports and hoses.  In the little hose within the body of the vacuum cleaner, I found several bobby pins, hair bands, a square plastic clasp that holds bread wrappers closed, clumps of hair and dust that could easily have passed for gray mice at a pet store, and several plastic “dongles” that are used to attach tags to new clothes.  Obviously, I’m the only one in the house with a “look before you vacuum” policy.  Others, apparently, have a YOLO approach to vacuuming.  They no doubt believe that, as long as the item is flat enough to be run over with a vacuum cleaner, then it deserves whatever it gets.

So, after I’d completely cleaned the vacuum cleaner inside and out, I took it for a test drive.  It worked like a charm!  It worked as well as it did the day I bought it.  It worked so well that it was actually hard to push across the carpeting because the suction was so strong.

Anyway, that’s why cleaning the house takes so long.  Because every time I start to do a 30 minute task, I have to perform a 45 minute task beforehand in order to be able to do the original 30 minute task.

Life in the modern world!

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