Like a Rock

Unlike most people, I never have any trouble sleeping. 

I always joke that sleeping is my superpower. 

However, I am surrounded by people who can never seem to get a good night’s sleep, and they rarely think that my joke is funny. 

They are probably grumpy from not getting enough sleep.  It’s kind of a catch-22.

But it is true.  When I go to sleep at night, I believe that I pass into another realm or dimension.  There is very little that will awaken me here in this world.  I have slept through raging thunderstorms, near-hurricane-force winds, hailstorms, fireworks, hovering helicopters, the flashing lights of an ambulance who came to the aid of my neighbor across the street in the wee hours of the morning, things falling off the wall with a crash, and people trying to wake me up.

However, even when I “wake up” it is usually just my body that does so.  My brain is still sleeping peacefully within its cozy little cranium, even as my body staggers into the bathroom to begin my morning ablutions.

My body then stands in front of the mirror for a few minutes, blinking and trying to become sentient.  I am somewhat akin to a barely conscious neanderthal staring uncomprehendingly at my electric razor like, “Oooga.  What this do?” 

For some incomprehensible reason, it seems logical to rub it on my face, and so I do.  It is reminiscent of the opening scene of “2001: A Space Odyssey” when the early primates are confronted by a smooth monolith.  They felt compelled to touch it, though they had never seen anything like it before.  

Their DNA mutated shortly thereafter, giving them a compulsion to shave.

After another gap in my memory, I mysteriously end up in the shower.  I have somehow managed to get my contacts in my eyes without leaving permanent fingerprints on my corneas.

And then, as if by magic, in the space of a mere hour or so, I am sitting down at my work computer, doing extremely complex things, and speaking coherently to people on very abstract and recondite topics. 

It is like the entire scope of human evolution compressed into about 90 minutes.

19 comments

  1. You are like my wife, who can fall asleep within a minute of her head hitting the pillow! Mind you, it is likely due to the exhaustion of picking up after me, and laughing politely at my poor jokes. Oh and working full time. I iove to read and I lose sleep from that – never got a hang of using it as a sleep aid, Biff. Use your superpower wisely, at least until self-driving cars are a thing! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hiya, Wilt! I hope all is well with you and your family. I find it hard to believe that enjoying your most excellent humor is anything but invigorating and uplifting. So, I’m guessing it is the picking up after you thing that is exhausting her. As for reading before bed (or, worse, IN bed) is a sure-fire way to have me slip into a coma that no mortal alarm clock can undo. Sledge hammers much be used.

      I shall take your words to heart and use my superpower only for good, and not for driving to the store to pick up milk and chocolate-covered donuts in the wee hours of the night just to save time during the day. Although, now that I mention it …

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t let this get around, but I sleep well too. I’ve learned not to tell others about this because they don’t take it very well. I’m also a little groggy in the morning and have been known to pour coffee in my cereal. But on the bright side, I don’t have to worry about shaving. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Christi! Your secret is safe with me. I almost feel as if we should start some sort of secret society since people with our ability are frowned upon. Perhaps the Royal Order of Unshaven Sleepy Toilers (ROUST). In the meantime, enjoy your flocons de maïs avec café.

      Liked by 1 person

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