Saturday Coffee With Biff

My plans to begin writing regularly were about as successful as New Coke.

But I told myself that its not quantity that matters.  It’s quality.

But my quality has been about as good as a Takata air bag.

So I guess what I’m really trying to say is … don’t drink New Coke while driving a car with a Takata air bag.  Studies have shown this to not only be dangerous, but tastes bad as well.

So, anyway, what has Biff been up to these past few weeks?

Well, as many of you have no doubt heard, the governor of Texas has rescinded the mandatory mask order.  We are now free to breathe the way God intended … shallowly, fearfully, and with a great deal of suspicion of our fellow humans.

But even with the rescission, I was happy to see that about 80 or 90 percent of the people were still wearing masks.  They were also toting guns and carrying big sacks with dollar signs on them.  I seem to have walked into a Yosemite Sam cartoon.

But seriously … I’m glad to see people still wearing their masks.  As someone who is very uncomfortable with casual social interaction, I have found masks to be a good way of avoiding interactions with my fellow human beings.  Not only are masks mildly effective at blocking viruses (virii?), they are also very effective at preventing small talk. 

Every time someone thinks about making small talk, they are brought up short by the internal question they ask themselves, “Is it really worth the energy to try and shout that through a mask?

And the answer is always “no“, so they just remain silent.  And the world is a better place for it.  At least MY world is a better place for it.

Another thing I will miss about the lockdown is being able to breathe, mask or no mask.

I’m not sure why, but all throughout 2020 my allergies were non-existent. I was able kick my allergy medicine habit cold turkey.  For the first time in my adult life, I was able to breathe through both nostrils at the same time.  I was actually getting high on all of the oxygen that was making it to my brain.  

People were like, “Dude, you need to cut back on the co-cayne.”

And I would reply giddily, “This is all pure oxygen, Baby!  Pure oxygen!”

My theory is that because everyone was staying home and not driving, that pollution and particulate numbers in the air dropped precipitously.

But all good things must come to an end, and I have spent the past week or two sneezing and struggling to get enough air to remain conscious.

I should have known better than to get used to the luxury of breathing.



  1. Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiif! Oh Big bro, where are thou???? I’ve been hoping to see you pop in my Reader or months… I absolutely miss you, and I’m sure I’m not the only one….

    Hope you’re doing well. And that you’re just having an amazing summer away from your blog. But we people need your witty words, so please, wave back 🙂

    Love ya!!!!! xx


    • I sympathize! I have serious fragrance allergies and can get a headache for a week from exposure. The pandemic has saved me from a lot of headaches (from automatic dispensers in public bathrooms, etc.), but hand sanitizer with fragrance is, as you said, a killer. Even if you bring your own, you still smell everyone else’s.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I hear ya, Mary! I have allergic reactions to a lot of fragrances and scents … like the ones in a lot of cleaning supplies. My throat closes up and I start coughing like crazy. And coughing during a pandemic is NOT a good idea. 😀

        I hope your allergies abate along with the pandemic and we can all just get back to normal (whatever that is).

        Thanks for stopping by!

        Liked by 1 person

    • I know! Why can’t we make things without fragrance? How hard would that be? All they have to do is skip a step in the manufacturing process. But then they would probably charge us MORE for leaving something OUT.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Re: writing. Me and a friend from another blog are reading “The Artist’s Way” which is 12 weeks of writing every day and certain exercises. We’re gonna check in every week. We just started but already it’s made a HUGE difference in consistency to have an accountability partner. Maybe you can find a friend?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Hetty! That is definitely a good idea. Now all I need is a friend. Hmmmm …. Is there a Friends – R – Us somewhere? 😀

      But seriously … I think it would be fun, but I don’t have any friends that write. And I’m too lazy to get out and meet any. But I like the idea of the daily challenges. I need something to kick me in the derriere to get me started.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I believe you are posting here regularly. Or at least in a consistent pattern – once every few months or so. Your readers are counting their blessings – far better a sporadic Biff than a regular Alexis and Airhead.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Colin! I’m glad I could provide this public service. The Illuminati do not want us to realize that surgical masks prevent small talk. Once we stop making small talk, we will realize how much money we’re frittering away on useless things and THEN where will the Illuminati be. (If I turn up floating in a lake, you’ll know why.)

      Liked by 1 person

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