Biff Sock Pow

Finding the humor in everyday life.

Archive for the tag “Random”

Random Tidbits (11/05/2017 Edition)

 

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The Fall of my Discontent

Today I would like to bundle up in a warm coat, perhaps don some gloves, and go for a tramp through the fallen leaves and the brisk autumn air.  I would like to see my breath when I exhale.  I would like to look forward to a warm, steaming beverage when I finally get in out of the chilly air.  However, Mother Nature with her long history of not caring what I like or don’t like, chose to have it be a sultry 90 degrees (32 C) today and about 60% humidity.  The sun is so bright one must wear sunglasses.  Wearing anything thicker than a T-shirt will cause one to run the risk of heat stroke.  And the only refreshing beverage that sounds good right now is iced tea or perhaps Gatorade.


Tired and Feeling Low

Can anyone explain to me how every autumn, like clockwork, the tire pressure warning light in my car turns on?  It is usually on or around the first “cold” snap we have (cold being a relative term).  I will be driving to work and the light will come on.  I will check the pressure and, sure enough, each tire is anywhere from five to ten pounds under what it should be.  This happens on multiple cars over multiple years, so I don’t think it is because I have a wonky car.

I understand all about air expanding and contracting as temperature rises and falls.  I understand about materials becoming more brittle as temperature falls (and so perhaps not holding a seal as good as it should).  I understand that tires just lose a little pressure in the course of performing their duties of hitting potholes, speed bumps, and armadillos.  It is just the uncanny timing and precision that has me a bit nonplussed.


Aye!  Candy!

Halloween candy has a strange attribute.  In the weeks leading up to Halloween, when walking through the store, the candy displays looks so inviting, so delicious, so irresistible.  The stacks of bags of candy corn and fun-sized versions of everything from M&Ms to Baby Ruths to Kit-Kats to anything you can imagine make our eyes light up.  We are happy just to run our hands over it and ooh and ahh about how wonderful it all looks.

Then, in the week after Halloween, when it has been reduced to a third of its cost before Halloween, when it now lays in disorderly piles on clearance racks and tables, when the M&Ms are mixed with the Kit-Kats and the Nerds are jumbled in with the Twizzlers, it all just looks so tawdry and unappealing.  I think it is like waking up after a night of alcoholic excess and finding someone less-than-attractive laying next to us in bed (not that that has ever happened to me, but hey!  I watch TV and movies too!).

Suddenly, what just yesterday was enticing and alluring and beguiling, is suddenly tawdry and gaudy and meretricious.  The thought of eating any of it is actually a little nauseating.

But we buy it anyway … because it’s 75% off.   And who knows when we’ll be able to buy a pound of candy corn for ten cents ever again?


Four-Lorn

It just occurred to me that I could have gotten four small individual blog posts out of this, rather than one package of four posts.  But this way I can sell in bulk and pass the savings on to you, my Dear Reader.  So, later, when you are at home and wondering to yourself, “Why did I buy four of these when I really only need one?”, you can think clever marketing.

Or, more accurately, you can thank my laziness.  I don’t have the time or the energy to create four different posts, with all of the concomitant activities of finding clever (ha!) artwork, thinking of effective tags that will get me lots of reads, and trying to think of pithy titles that will grab the attention of rapidly-scrolling readers.

So, my laziness is your gain.   And has all of the appeal of Halloween candy the week after Halloween.


 

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Absinthe-Soaked Goat Rampages Through Art Show

 

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Police are Canvasing the Area.

EPA declares it Superfund site.

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This is Day Two of my experiment in outrageous blog post titles.  The response to yesterday’s experiment was underwhelming, to say the least.  If my readership drops any lower, I will be in negative territory, which means, I suppose, that anti-readers from other dimensions will be unreading my posts.  It’s nice to know that I will be a minor celebrity in an alternate dimension, but that doesn’t really do me much good in this dimension.

Well, as long as you’re here, I may as well tell you about my day.  My normal Friday joie de vivre was marred by the appearance a few days ago of what is either a mild cold or severe allergies.  It is hard to tell and really the differences are piddling.  When one is sneezing every 15 seconds, using up entire boxes of Kleenex in just a few hours, and contemplating jamming drinking straws up into my sinuses to aid in breathing, one doesn’t stop to ponder the subtleties between a cold and hay fever.

 

And one has to be careful how one declares what one has.  If you’re at work and say, “I have a cold,” one is instantly a pariah and is shunned by one and by all.  But if you get on an elevator sneezing and say something like, “Boy howdy!  (achoo!)  These allergies (achoo!) are killing me! (achoo!)“, you’re likely to get a sympathetic nod and perhaps even some commiseration.  If the exact same scene is acted out, but with the word “cold” substituted for “allergies”, the other occupant of the elevator will be repeatedly pushing the “door open” button and pounding on the door screaming “Let me out!  Let me out!  For the love of all that is good and decent, open these doors!”  The looks you get will not be sympathetic, but withering and condemning.  I would become known as Typhoid Biff.  My stock value in the company would fall.

Other than that, it was an ordinary Friday.  I shuffled through my duties at work … well … dutifully.  Because neither my heart nor my sinuses were really into it.   And since taking hearty glugs directly from a Nyquil bottle are frowned upon at work, I had to wait until I got home to self-medicate.

So, from my Nyquil induced haze to yours, I wish you a wonderful evening and a fantastic weekend.

 

 

Pope Breaks Clavicle in Bizarre Curling Accident

Condition of Mitre Unknown

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My experiment in using titular alliteration (if you’ll pardon the expression) in order to boost visits and reads ended in abysmal failure.  Readership actually dropped.  I can only assume that means people are very antipathetic towards alliteration, and possibly all forms of verbal trickery, up to and including onomatopoeia.  Bang!  There .. I said it.  I went there.

Anyway, in a new experiment to boost readership and views (all in the name of science, of course), I am taking a new tack.  That is, I plan to take a page out of the National Enquirer’s playbook and go with eye-catching, lurid, outrageous titles.  The downside, of course, is that the body of the post will having nothing at all to do with the title.  But you know, no system is perfect.  I mean, just look at the solar system.  It is completely riddled with flaws.  That whole Pluto-isn’t-a-planet thing … what a debacle!  I am pretty sure heads rolled at the Department of Planetary Nomenclature.  Or, if not heads, certainly eyes did!

To prevent panic among curling enthusiasts, I should point out that the Pope did not actually break his clavicle whilst curling since he was primarily a sweeper.  I’ll keep you informed on breaking news regarding his mitre.

 

 

Wacky Wednesday

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Fun With Alliteration

clown-with-balloonsSince blog posts  with alliterative titles seem to be very popular, I thought I’d give it a go.  You might remember my less-than-stellar post from yesterday entitled “Two-fer Tuesday”.  It may not have been original or captivating, but it was definitely alliterative.  And what is alliteration but a form of repetitiveness?

So what shall I talk about tonight that is wacky?  Oh … I know … how about some wacky weather?  We’ll just make this Wacky Weather Wednesday.  How much more alliterative can it get?

Even though we are in the dead of winter here in Dallas, the temperatures have been near 80 (~ 26 C) for the past week.  People are walking around in short pants and short sleeves.  Yesterday I drove home with the window down in my truck.  I hadn’t really planned on doing that, but “China Grove” by the Doobie Brothers came on while I was listening to my CD player and according to the law, one must roll their vehicle windows down at that point, hang the left arm out the window, and do the head bop.  Air guitar is normally recommended, but not while driving.

Due to the warm weather, things are starting to bloom.  The first thing to come up was, of course, the crab grass.  It will pretty much pop up any time the temperature rises above absolute zero.   Tree leaves are budding out.  The hyacinth are pushing their way up out of the ground.  Birds are starting to think about flying north again even though they still have some vacation days they need to burn off.  If this keeps up, I will need to get outside and mow the law before the first week of February is over.

But I decided today that I am going to stop railing about our lack of winter this year here in Dallas.  There are worse problems to have.  At least we don’t have any volcanoes here in Texas.

Tomorrow we will eagerly await for the appearance of Waxahachie Phil, our local weather-predicting armadillo.  He will emerge from his burrow on Knobbler’s Gob and take a look about.  If he is bitten by a mosquito, he will go back inside and we are doomed to six additional months of summer.  If there are no mosquitoes, he’ll go back inside his burrow anyway because he doesn’t like taking questions.  He is sort of the Bill Belichick of armadillos.

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Random Tidbits (1/22/17 Edition)

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The following are just some random thoughts and ramblings that were left over from the weekend.  None of them were, on their own, enough to warrant a blog post.  So I will just bundle them up and put them on the clearance rack and mark them way down.

1

I just watched comedian Wayne Cotter on Johnny Carson (original air date:  1/31/92).  He was pretty funny, as always.  But what really struck me as funny as that I used to own that exact same tie he was wearing.

2

I had lunch at Taco Cabana today because, as a Texan, we are required to eat Mexican food at least once per week (no excuses).  I made the mistake of asking for some tortilla chips with my meal.  They charged me a dollar fifty (!) for a tiny little cardboard dish that is the same size Sonic serves their Frito chili pies in.  It contained about 15 chips (so about ten cents per chip).  On top of that, they were so paper thin and flimsy, every time I tried to scoop up a tiny bit of guacamole or sour cream, the chip would just break.  So I’d try it again.  And again.  Until there was nothing but tortilla chip crumbs all over my guacamole.  I was perturbed, to say the least.  Every other Mexican restaurant in Dallas gives free tortilla chips, and they are capable of supporting the weight of a butterfly without shattering.  Get your act together, Taco Cabana!

3

I had to go buy a new pair of sneakers today.  Like most men, I hate shopping for clothes, and especially shoes.  Someone recommended that I try DSW; claiming that they had a good selection.  They were not lying on this point.  The S and W in DSW stands for Shoe Warehouse.  I walked in the front door and immediately blue-screened.  In the men’s section, there were no less than about 40 styles of men’s sneakers.  Once I had rebooted myself a few times (which is odd, because I was looking for sneakers, not boots), I found myself overwhelmed by the selection.  I ended up buying a pair that looked almost exactly like the pair I went in with, except they were cleaner and didn’t squeak when I walked.  The squeaking was what drove me to buy a new pair of sneakers in the first place.  How can one sneak while wearing squeaking sneakers?  At work on Friday, my sneakers sounded like a seagull with croup.  My new ones are quiet.  Back to stealth mode.

4

No less than four times today, I had to switch the thermostat in the house back and forth between heating and air conditioning.  I hate Texas winters.  It’s like playing weather roulette. Just spin the Wheel o’ Weather and see what comes up.

5

I passed some trees in a parking lot today that were covered with ten thousand grackles.  I think the unseasonably warm weather has caused them to think it is time to migrate back north again for the summer.   Boy, are they going to be in for a rude awakening!

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That’s it for this edition of Random Tidbits.  I hope you all have a wonderful week!

 

 

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