Saturday Coffee With Biff

My plans to begin writing regularly were about as successful as New Coke.

But I told myself that its not quantity that matters.  It’s quality.

But my quality has been about as good as a Takata air bag.

So I guess what I’m really trying to say is … don’t drink New Coke while driving a car with a Takata air bag.  Studies have shown this to not only be dangerous, but tastes bad as well.

So, anyway, what has Biff been up to these past few weeks?

Well, as many of you have no doubt heard, the governor of Texas has rescinded the mandatory mask order.  We are now free to breathe the way God intended … shallowly, fearfully, and with a great deal of suspicion of our fellow humans.

But even with the rescission, I was happy to see that about 80 or 90 percent of the people were still wearing masks.  They were also toting guns and carrying big sacks with dollar signs on them.  I seem to have walked into a Yosemite Sam cartoon.

But seriously … I’m glad to see people still wearing their masks.  As someone who is very uncomfortable with casual social interaction, I have found masks to be a good way of avoiding interactions with my fellow human beings.  Not only are masks mildly effective at blocking viruses (virii?), they are also very effective at preventing small talk. 

Every time someone thinks about making small talk, they are brought up short by the internal question they ask themselves, “Is it really worth the energy to try and shout that through a mask?“

And the answer is always “no“, so they just remain silent.  And the world is a better place for it.  At least MY world is a better place for it.

Another thing I will miss about the lockdown is being able to breathe, mask or no mask.

I’m not sure why, but all throughout 2020 my allergies were non-existent. I was able kick my allergy medicine habit cold turkey.  For the first time in my adult life, I was able to breathe through both nostrils at the same time.  I was actually getting high on all of the oxygen that was making it to my brain.  

People were like, “Dude, you need to cut back on the co-cayne.”

And I would reply giddily, “This is all pure oxygen, Baby!  Pure oxygen!”

My theory is that because everyone was staying home and not driving, that pollution and particulate numbers in the air dropped precipitously.

But all good things must come to an end, and I have spent the past week or two sneezing and struggling to get enough air to remain conscious.

I should have known better than to get used to the luxury of breathing.