Like a Rock

Unlike most people, I never have any trouble sleeping. 

I always joke that sleeping is my superpower. 

However, I am surrounded by people who can never seem to get a good night’s sleep, and they rarely think that my joke is funny. 

They are probably grumpy from not getting enough sleep.  It’s kind of a catch-22.

But it is true.  When I go to sleep at night, I believe that I pass into another realm or dimension.  There is very little that will awaken me here in this world.  I have slept through raging thunderstorms, near-hurricane-force winds, hailstorms, fireworks, hovering helicopters, the flashing lights of an ambulance who came to the aid of my neighbor across the street in the wee hours of the morning, things falling off the wall with a crash, and people trying to wake me up.

However, even when I “wake up” it is usually just my body that does so.  My brain is still sleeping peacefully within its cozy little cranium, even as my body staggers into the bathroom to begin my morning ablutions.

My body then stands in front of the mirror for a few minutes, blinking and trying to become sentient.  I am somewhat akin to a barely conscious neanderthal staring uncomprehendingly at my electric razor like, “Oooga.  What this do?” 

For some incomprehensible reason, it seems logical to rub it on my face, and so I do.  It is reminiscent of the opening scene of “2001: A Space Odyssey” when the early primates are confronted by a smooth monolith.  They felt compelled to touch it, though they had never seen anything like it before.  

Their DNA mutated shortly thereafter, giving them a compulsion to shave.

After another gap in my memory, I mysteriously end up in the shower.  I have somehow managed to get my contacts in my eyes without leaving permanent fingerprints on my corneas.

And then, as if by magic, in the space of a mere hour or so, I am sitting down at my work computer, doing extremely complex things, and speaking coherently to people on very abstract and recondite topics. 

It is like the entire scope of human evolution compressed into about 90 minutes.