As we all suffer through the worst pandemic in human history since the last one we had 11 years ago, I thought I’d pass along some of my ruminations on this most recent export from China.
Much of what I know about this pandemic I have gotten from watching television. And since I don’t have cable, but only a set of rabbit-ear antennas, my viewing options are extremely limited.
Therefore, my knowledge of the pandemic is based entirely on the commercials I see as I watch reruns of Match Game ’76, Barney Miller, That Girl, and The Paul Lynde Show.
It’s too bad that the commercials from the 1970s are not on, too. They’re much more upbeat and optimistic than this modern dreck. And, trust me, it was not easy to be optimistic in the 1970s.
- Swine Flu (remember THAT one?)
- Leisure suits
- Avocado-colored appliances
I mean … come on!
Anyway, after watching an endless stream of these modern, pandemic-themed commercials over the past few weeks, here is everything I now know about the pandemic.
Cue the sad piano music!
- These are strange days indeed
- We are all in this together, but if you get closer than 2 meters to someone, they will break your kneecaps
- Very attractive people who live in giant glass homes overlooking scenic forests are the most affected by the pandemic, and so must exercise relentlessly on astoundingly expensive exercise equipment in order to cope with the anxiety. And you should, too, you slacker!
- Things will get better a lot faster if you buy a luxury car
- Giant corporations feel very strongly that everyone should stay home, the better to order things online so that their underpaid employees can get out into the bright red circles on the pandemic map and deliver things to your door
- Those same giant corporations are so very thankful to their employees … especially since they are working in these dangerous times for the same low wages they’ve always earned. To show their appreciation, these corporations have taken out very heartfelt and expensive commercials with sad music in them to thank their employees, and thus consuming all of the budget that they could have used to pay out hazard bonuses.
- Government agencies strongly recommend you buy things that are no longer available to protect yourself from something you are powerless to protect yourself against.
- Did I mention that buying a luxury car will end the pandemic 4 months sooner?
Anyway, not to state the obvious, but the sooner this insanity is over with, the better off we’ll all be.
If for no other reason than all of these disingenuous commercials will come to an end.