Special Weekend Bonus Ramble: Different Types of Squirrels

Well, it is Sunday night and time to start thinking about going back to work tomorrow.

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Squirrels Behaving Badly

Yes, I’m one of those people who are not allowed to self-quarantine or shelter-in-place or whatever it is called this week.  My employer has determined that I am essential and cannot be spared and so must come in to work every day.  I only hope they feel that same way the next time layoffs roll around.

I’m sure at that time they will say something like, “Did we say you were essential?  Well, we meant like essential oils.  Essential oils aren’t really essential.  They’re just just sort preferred.  Yes, they’re preferred oils.  Really, they should be called extrinsic oils.  And that’s what you are as of 9:00 this morning: you’re extrinsic.  Here’s a nice pink slip for you (suitable for framing), a coupon for 10% off your first month’s subscription at a job hunting site, and a copy of the letter you signed on your first day here saying you would not ever sue us for wrongful termination or anything else.  Also, remember, you signed a non-compete agreement, so you can’t ever work in this industry again.  Guido here from Security will escort you out to your car and then rough you up a little bit just to make sure you’re not trying to steal a stapler or anything.  It’s been a real pleasure having you work here.  And remember, if you know anyone who can do your job at half the salary, please recommend them and we will pay you a $50 finder’s fee in the form of a gift card at the Salvation Army.”

And not only am I having to go into the office (as opposed to working from home), I am also having to work lots and lots of over time and endure lots and lots of stress.  I’m not complaining.  I’m happy to have a job in this, or any other, economy.  No, I only mention that to set up this next section.

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Squirrels Gone Wild

I didn’t do a dad-blamed think all weekend long.  When I got home from work late Friday evening, I was determined to sleep in on both Saturday and Sunday and to spend a lot of time sitting around in my pajamas doing lots and lots of nothing.

My plans of sleeping in were thwarted by a squirrel who decided it would be a good idea to chew into my attic through the fascia boards outside my house just over where the headboard of my bed is.  This sounded like a monkey with an auger trying carve the works of Shakespeare into the body of a cello.  So I rolled out of bed, staggered downstairs, opened up the back door and went out to stand in the back yard to see if I could see the miscreant.

He was there, alright.  He was up on the roof, looking over the edge at me.  We stood and  stared at each other for 2 minutes.  I was trying to think of some way to dissuade him from chewing a hole into my house, and he was trying to think of a way  to get me to go back inside so he could continue his chewing.

We finally called it a draw and I went back inside.  Ultimately, I would be the victor, because I remembered I had replaced all the fascia boards on my house about ten years ago with concrete impregnated wafer board.  If a squirrel manages to chew through that, he will need dentures to eat his nuts with.

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Skelter In Place

The rest of the weekend was a near total loss.  I did next to nothing around the house.  Oh, sure, I did the odd load of laundry, moved things from here to there, washed the stray dish or two,  and even managed to feed and clothe myself on more than one occasion.   But, seriously, have you ever seen a bumper sticker on anyone’s car that said, “My kid managed to feed and clothe himself this weekend“?

I doubt it.  It’s just not the sort of thing that people applaud.

But in my defense, it was wet and dreary outside all weekend long, so there was really no incentive to go out and do anything.  Plus nearly everything is closed.  And those few things that are not closed are madhouses.

So, really, home is the place to be.

Except that I have to get up tomorrow early and leave it to go work in a building that is nearly deserted.

Which means no one will know if I go to the “self-help cafe” and squirrel away lots of snacks in my desk to be consumed later.

Unfortunately, most of them taste like concrete impregnated wafer board.