In honor of the 50th anniversary of the Woodstock music festival (and the one month anniversary of the cancellation of Woodstock 50), I have dug this little gem out of my archives with a pair of forceps.
Special Report — With Your Host, Biff Biffington
Biff: This is Biff Biffington with a special report. Tonight’s top story:
Rabid Beaver Terrorizes Woodstock Reenactment!
We go now live to Muffy Muffington. Muffy?
Muffy: Thank you, Biff. I am standing here with windswept hair and a very lightly wrinkled silk blouse from Off 5th. Also, I should point out that my skirt is from Saks and is a little too short, but the text crawler at the bottom of the screen will keep us from violating FCC rules while still increasing our ratings among the 18 to 85 male demographic.
Biff: That’s all fine and good, Muffy, but I understand there is some sort of kerfuffle at the Woodstock Reenactment. My suit, by the way, was provided by Botany 500.
Muffy: [laughing] The 1960s called, Biff. They want their suit back!
Biff: [also laughing] Ha ha! Very good, Muffy. If you see Wink Martindale tell him … something … something funny … using some sort of reference about Tic-Tac-Dough.
Muffy: [Still laughing] Will do, Biff.
Biff: Now what about this Angry Beaver?
Muffy: It was a rabid beaver, Biff, and it was terrorizing the peaceful re-enactants who come here to this remote farm in upstate New York to relive the glory days. Specifically, the three musical days of peace, love, and over exposure.
Biff: I believe they like to be referred to as “re-en-actors“, Muffy.
Muffy: Ha ha ha! You are just too funny, Biff.
Biff: No. Seriously. They do.
Muffy: Really? How odd. Well anyway, I found someone who was willing to be interviewed on camera and here he is now. Sir, can you tell us your name?
Interviewee: Stargazer Moosebray Turkeywaddle
Muffy: Are … are you serious right now?
Stargazer: Oh sure. Totally serious. My parents met at Woodstock and they were like… totally … you know … what’s the word?
Biff: Stoned out of their minds?
Stargazer: Into Find-a-Word puzzles. Anyway, they were playing one of those puzzles between acts and those were like the first six words they found.
Stargazer: But you can call me Moose. All my fellow re-en-actors call me that.
Biff: Told you! Re-in-actors!
Muffy: So tell me more about this beaver.
Moose: Well, we were re-enacting over there near that glade —
Muffy: Did you say glade?
Moose: Oh yeah. It was a glade all right.
Muffy: And what exactly were you doing?
Moose: Well, we were re-enacting a pivotal part of Woodstock.
Biff: You mean when the Grateful Dead’s set was cut short after the stage amps overloaded during “Turn On Your Love Light”?
Moose: No, Man. Seriously. That meant nothing to anyone. No, I’m talking about that one hour interlude between The Incredible String Band and Canned Heat. Man, that was where it was at.
Muffy: Where what was at?
Moose. IT. It, Man. It! It was like the eye of the storm. Know what I mean? It was like … this … heavy … psychedelic … totally … far out … nothingness.
Muffy: Nothingness? Then why was it pivotal?
Moose: I’m pretty sure that’s where I was conceived. Spirtually, man. It was nothingness and then … bam! It was consciousness, man. It was … like … my plane of consciousness … melded … with this whole … earthy … Aquarian … Earth Mother …
Biff: Are you high?
Muffy: Well what about the beaver?
Moose: Oh .. yeah … the beaver. Well, we had just got the generator fired up and had the cappuccino machine plugged in —
Muffy: Cappuccino machine?
Moose: Oh yeah. We’re not savages.
Muffy: Well duh. Anyway … go on.
Moose: Well out comes this … this beaver.
Muffy: Oh! Goodness! What was it doing?
Moose: Well … it just sort of lumbered over.
Biff: I thought beavers ATE lumber …
Moose: And I was like … hey .. there’s a beaver!
Muffy: Oh my!
Moose: Oh yeah. And my girlfriend, Indigo Skye Phoenix —
Muffy? Wait … what?
Moose: Indy. My girl. Anyway, she says, “That ain’t no beaver!” And trust me, she would know.
Muffy: And why is that, Moose?
Moose: Because her old man a game warden up in Alaska.
Biff: You sure?
Moose: No, Yu-kon. Anyway, she said “that ain’t no beaver” and I was like, “Whoa! No way!” and she was like “Way!” and I was like “far out” and she was like “for sure, dude” and I was like —
Biff: Muffy, you may have to reboot him.
Muffy: Well was it a beaver or not?
Moose: Oh, no. Turns out it was Sage Nirvana Quest’s buck toothed chihuahua that had gotten into the Cool Whip.
Biff: Sage Nirv–
Muffy: Aww! I love chihuahuas!
Biff: That’s it. We’re done. I quit. This is the last Special Report I’m ever doing. I’m signing off now. [Get my agent on the phone!]
And, even though you may wonder why, everything you just read is:
Copyright ©2018 by Biff Sock Pow.