Just Stop Caulking

Most people believe that the “D” in DIY stands for “Do”.

As in, “Do it yourself.”

But really, it stands for “Disaster”

Yes, that’s right … Disaster It Yourself, Bucko!

I have been attempting to re-caulk the shower in the spare bathroom now for about 5 days.  All of the YouTube videos assured me that I could do this easily in an hour.   Two, tops, if I wanted to mask everything off with blue painter’s tape.

But first you have to scrape off the old caulking that was applied by Mr. Dap himself back in the early 1920s.

And as you do that, you discover what a shoddy job the builders did grouting the tile.  And setting the tile.  Someone decided that caulking was an excellent way to mask cracks in the grout and even just plain ol’ missing grout.

Then, after scraping and de-caulking yourself into full traction suit and doctor’s orders for bedrest, you have to clean the tile so that the new caulk will stick.

Then you have to mask off every corner, crack, and seam all around the shower, inside and out.

Then you have to go back to the home improvement store because you realize that the tiny little tube of silicon caulk you bought will not even get you through the first 2 or 3 seams.  Somehow you ended up with about a half-mile of seams that need to be caulked.

Now it is finally time to caulk (4 days later, allowing some time for Easter and extreme lethargy).

On goes the caulking.  Things are looking good.  The spreader tool is doing its job beautifully.  The seams look professional.

Sure, I’m a little perturbed that caulking requires throwing away 4 times as much caulk as that which remains on the shower stall.  Why don’t they invent a caulk dispenser that comes out in the right shape so you don’t have to scrape off 3/4ths of it and throw it away?

Okay, so this is the part you’ve been waiting for.

The disaster part.

If this were a movie set on a ship, this is where it would sink.

Having caulked all the seams, I go back to start pulling off the masking tape.

Hey, guess what!?

Did you know that caulk can begin setting up in as little as 30 seconds?  You really need to pull off the masking tape right behind the caulking gun.  Don’t wait the 10 or 15 minutes it takes to finish caulking the entire tub.

So as I pulled off the blue painter’s tape, giant strings and webs and bands of rubbery silicon caulk came along with it, leaving behind beautiful shirrs, ruffles, florets, and ruched edges in my once-beautiful caulking bead.

Why don’t you show THAT on your YouTube video, Tom Silva?

And … hey!  You know what’s harder to scrape off of tile than 20-year-old caulking?

That’s right:  fresh, new, stretchy, stringy, clingy, rubbery caulking!

It’s like trying to get bubble gum off of the soles of your shoe on a hot, summer day.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate DIY projects?