If you’ll all take your seats, we can get started.
I apologize for calling such an early morning meeting on a Friday morning, but it was the only time I could book the conference room. Also, this will minimize the disruption to production.
Anyway, here we are, so we should just make the best of it. Pour yourself a cup of weak, tepid coffee from the company coffee pot in the break room, grab a stale donut left over from the executive meeting yesterday, and gather around the conference room table for our little coffee klatch. We spare no expense for our employees.
Unfortunately, none of us are employees. Here at Biff Sock Pow Industries (NASDAQ: BSPI), we are all just sort of unpaid interns (since Congress made it illegal to indenture people).
The first order of business is the fact that we have no business. Hence, the reason none of you are getting paychecks. Still, you are all valued employees and are all key to the success of the company. Heck, if it were up to me, I would make sure we had stale donuts every day of the week.
But, you know how shareholders are. The only expenses they like to see on the company cash flow statements are stock dividends. However, they asked me to pass along to you how much they value your effort, your teamwork, and your commitment to improving profitability.
They did ask, however, if you wouldn’t mind terribly, all of you using the same coffee stirrer stick every day rather than each using a new one each time. After all, those things are seventy-three cents a gross and that can certainly add up over time. Furthermore, paper towels can be laid out to dry and then reused.
The second order of business is employee morale. The executive board is, of course, concerned about the morale of the employees. As it says in our mission statement, “A happy employee is a productive employee.” Happy employees are also, according to statistics, most likely to fail a random drug screen.
I’m just saying … inappropriate happiness can be a red flag. Take that for what it’s worth.
Even so, employee happiness is a priority, so the executive board has published a memo stating, in effect, for you all to “buck up, or face potential mandatory employee realignment training.”
You can read the full memo yourself outside the executive conference room upstairs near mahogany row. However, it is asked that you please remove your shoes before stepping onto the carpet in the executive hallway, as it is made from genuine hand-made Persian rugs from the 10th century.
And finally, I have been asked to discuss workplace safety with you all.
As you may have heard, our Worker’s Compensation insurance was cancelled last month due to the results of the unannounced OSHA inspection of our facility. Certainly our case was not helped any by the autopsy results we got back on Larry in Maintenance that proved he was not, in fact, huffing nitro glycerin and playing with matches right before the explosion in the physical plant as reported to OSHA by our company Safety Coordinator.
At any rate, you are all encouraged to be as careful as possible to avoid workplace injuries to any of our key manufacturing machines.
And, in the unfortunate event you do find yourself injured, we ask that you try, before collapsing, to stagger next door to the Fortune 500 company, who has much better insurance than we do. You may have to climb their security fence (mind the razor wire!) and evade their guard dogs, but the results will be well worth it. It is very likely that they have a company nurse who can attend to your razor wire cuts, dog bites, and taser burns.
And, always remember, just like the bright, cheerful signs on the manufacturing floor say, “Safety first!”
Now get out there and be as happy as possible while trying to exceed our production quotas for the month!
If we meet quota, I have been asked to pass along to you that there will definitely be bonuses forthcoming! And once the executive board has received those bonuses, they will show their appreciation to you by giving you all key fobs with the company logo on them.
[Originally posted on Feb 2, 2018]