Biff Rambles On About … Causality Fridays, Forget-Me-Nuts, and Fears for Tears

Biff Hiking #4

 

We have somehow made it to Friday through no real effort on our part.

I’m not saying it was not a difficult week for anyone.  I’m sure it was.

But, let’s face it, we’d be here at Friday no matter what we did.

It’s like when we say something like, “I just flew to Los Angeles.

That makes it sound like we, personally, were actively keeping the plane aloft through our vigorous efforts.  Not to brag, but I personally have kept many a plane aloft by gripping the armrests firmly and praying fervently.

But did American Airlines thank me?

No they did not.

All I got was a little bag of peanuts that had a warning on the back of the package that said, “Caution:  contains peanuts.”

I’m glad they pointed that out to me.  I was somewhat confused by the large yellow lettering on the front of the packet that said “PEANUTS!” along with a jaunty anthropomorphized peanut wearing spats and a top hat.

So their warning was timely.  Otherwise, I would have been disappointed that the package did not contain wasabi peas or, better yet, wasabi Dramamine tablets.

The peanut packet also had instructions on the back, obviously for the benefit of the hard-of-thinking, that said simply:

Directions
1.  Open package
2.  Eat peanuts

Again, I was quite grateful to American Airlines for helping out the poor, harried passenger who might be stymied by the cellophane package with  “tear here” written near the notch that is cut into the top of the packet.

Otherwise, I might have used my tiny pair of nail clipping scissors to gain entry to the otherwise impenetrable packet.  Unfortunately, they were confiscated by Security, along with my 0.4 fluid ounce container of contact lens re-wetting solution.

Which reminds me:  is there anything more expensive on this earth, pound for pound, than lens re-wetting solution?  People freak completely out if gasoline hits two dollars and fifty cents a gallon.  You’d think they were confiscating first born children at the pump.

And yet, those same people don’t even blink (so to speak) at paying over four thousand dollars a gallon for lens re-wetting solution.

Where is the outrage?

Why are event organizers not handing out pitchforks and torches to an enraged citizenry with blood in their eyes?

(Well, there’s not actual blood in their eyes.  They’re just bloodshot from being so dry.)

I say we rise up against this tyranny!

Wait!  No one move!    I lost a lens …

[Thus endeth the uprising … ]

Where the hell was I going with all this?

Oh yes.

Here we are at Friday.

I’d like to say I was instrumental in getting us here, but really all I did was sit back, recline my seat-back about 4 inches, and read the in-flight magazine.  I was also a little perturbed that someone had already done the crossword puzzle.

So as you can see, it was a very difficult week.

It almost brings tears to my eyes.

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39 comments

    • Hi Quiall! I am embarrassed to say that I didn’t realize that I wasn’t following your blog already. I thought for sure I was! But then I was reading one of your posts and the little thing came up saying, “Follow this blog.” And I said to myself, “I thought I already was.”

      Anyway, my apologies for taking so long to follow you. I definitely enjoy your writing!

      Like

    • Hi Linda! Thank you so much. 🙂

      No, Biff is just a pen name. Perhaps it is short for Biffoculous or Bifferino or Biffington or something ridiculous like that. I just picked it at random one day a long time ago. Perhaps I should have chosen something more “writer-ly”. Ha ha!

      Like

  1. So you’re the guy who puts his seat back. (Reminds me of the Carlin comment about putting your seat back forward.) This has the effect putting the screen four inches from my eyes, testing the effectiveness of my bifocals and of course, the hydration of my eyeballs.

    If you think contact lens re-wetting solution is pricey, imagine what my prescription eye drops cost…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Dave! I can only imagine!

      And, for the record, I never put my seat back … er … back. It only goes back about 4 inches, so what’s the point? It doesn’t make me any more comfortable and, as you pointed out, it annoys the person behind me. So I just make do with a neck pillow (and later, after the flight, a back brace).

      And, to you point, I wonder if they could make the air on an airplane any dryer? I’m pretty sure I could make beef jerky in about 15 minutes on a typical flight.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. When you’re on, you’re on. Enjoyed reading that, and how your mind works as usual Biff. I have always thought, and this is high praise haha, that yours and my mind are similar. At least in what we seek as funny.

    As somebody alluded to, that is some stellar comic writing – you missed your calling as a stand-up comedian. You could work in clubs and open mikes for little or no pay, possibly for years. And even after that not get a special or much of a following, in which case you’d start a podcast. And that is if you don’t have crippling stage fright!

    That is why I have the utmost respect for those men and women. Perhaps it is ‘safer’ here in the blogosphere where no heckling takes place. Allow me to try: Boo! Get off the stage. You’re not that funny! See? Doesn’t work. Love ya man!

    BTW our gas is 1.50 a liter up here In Vancouver=$5 a gallon in USD!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Wilt. As I was just telling Billy up there … or down there (I never can remember how comments are sorted) … I always wanted to be a stand-up comedian. I just sort of got distracted along the way. And now I’m too old for that #$&@. I get heckled enough at home. I don’t need it from complete strangers, too.

      But I thank you for the compliment!

      And sorry to hear about the $5 (US) gasoline. That’s almost enough to make me give up driving. But the thought of walking 10 miles through Texas heat to get to work would probably make me pay that much and more.

      Like

    • Thank you, Billy! That means a lot to me. It was my dream in high school and college to someday be a stand-up comedian. But you know how dreams go. We put them on the shelf for more mundane pursuits … like making money and eating and having a roof over our heads. But I appreciate the compliment very much!

      Like

  3. We once sat in an eating establishment next to a huge poster with a picture of a delectable chocolate icecream confection which was about six feet high. above it was an exhortation to treat yourself, below the monster diet killer were the words NOT ACTUAL SIZE.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Lol. Very funny post! It reminds me of a frozen dinner that I saw that said “heat for 1 hour at 425 degrees. Caution contents will be hot when removing from oven.” Really? Who on earth needs that little tip? I asked that question and a friend told me that he put a frozen pizza in the oven and forgot to turn the oven on…..anyhow happy Friday!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Gas at $250 a gallon? If only! In Europe, on a cheap day it is $250 a quart (I did the conversion for you). And you can make your own contact lens solution with tap water and a penny’s worth of salt. Might want to try that as a new business if this blog thing is as lucrative for you as it is for me.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. For a while, Hershey bars had a little semicircle with “open here” on the end of the wrapper, presumably to show candy bar eaters where to put their thumb while tearing it all open. One of the dumbest things ever, I thought, until I read your experience with the peanuts. The day peanuts don’t contain peanuts is not a day I want to live to see.

    Liked by 3 people

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