Okay, I think I have the blood stanched now.
The more inquisitive among you might be thinking to yourself right now, “Hmmm … I wonder why Biff is bleeding?”
The cynical among you are probably thinking, “Hmmm … why wouldn’t Biff be bleeding?”
The philosophical among you might be thinking, “What is blood, really?”
Still others may be wondering, “Is it stanch? I always thought it was staunch.”
Well, I’ll answer the first question, but then I won’t be taking any more questions. You can refer the rest of your questions to my publicist (a person to be named later, just as soon as I have one).
It all started with me dozing peacefully in my writing chair.
What good is a writing chair if one can’t doze in it? It certainly hasn’t inspired me to write much lately, so I might as well use it for something.
Anyway, I was awakened to the feeling of our special needs cat climbing my legs. Most cats would have, of course, leapt into my lap from the floor, then softened me up a bit, and laid down to snooze along with me.
But our cat is not that bright.
No, she decided to climb my legs, only to realize halfway up that she is not that dexterous. So, she froze.
So there I was: a Rubenesque cat hanging from the fleshy parts of my legs, supported only by about ten talons that she had sunk into me like pitons.
I was undecided about whether I should help her or not. After all, I might only end up making the situation worse. She may panic if I try to pick her up and so launch herself off of me, perhaps severing an artery in the process.
But as I was dithering (and nearly losing consciousness), she decided to climb the rest of the way up Mount Biff.
When she gained the plateau of my lap, she flumped down and promptly went to sleep. I however, was in acute pain as each of the dozen or so puncture wounds she had left me with burned and stung like wasp stings.
So, I rousted her out of my lap, causing her to shoot me several withering scowls, and then repaired to the bathroom to slather myself liberally with antiseptic gel.
But at least I got a blog post out of it.