Giving the Cat a Leg Up

man with cat on leg 001

Okay, I think I have the blood stanched now.

The more inquisitive among you might be thinking to yourself right now, “Hmmm … I wonder why Biff is bleeding?

The cynical among you are probably thinking, “Hmmm … why wouldn’t Biff be bleeding?

The philosophical among you might be thinking, “What is blood, really?

Still others may be wondering, “Is it stanch?  I always thought it was staunch.

Well, I’ll answer the first question, but then I won’t be taking any more questions.  You can refer the rest of your questions to my publicist (a person to be named later, just as soon as I have one).

It all started with me dozing peacefully in my writing chair.

What good is a writing chair if one can’t doze in it?  It certainly hasn’t inspired me to write much lately, so I might as well use it for something.

Anyway, I was awakened to the feeling of our special needs cat climbing my legs.  Most cats would have, of course, leapt into my lap from the floor, then softened me up a bit, and laid down to snooze along with me.

But our cat is not that bright.

No, she decided to climb my legs, only to realize halfway up that she is not that dexterous.  So, she froze.

So there I was:  a Rubenesque cat hanging from the fleshy parts of my legs, supported only by about ten talons that she had sunk into me like pitons.

I was undecided about whether I should help her or not.  After all, I might only end up making the situation worse.  She may panic if I try to pick her up and so launch herself off of me, perhaps severing an artery in the process.

But as I was dithering (and nearly losing consciousness), she decided to climb the rest of the way up Mount Biff.

When she gained the plateau of my lap, she flumped down and promptly went to sleep.   I however, was in acute pain as each of the dozen or so puncture wounds she had left me with burned and stung like wasp stings.

So, I rousted her out of my lap, causing her to shoot me several withering scowls, and then repaired to the bathroom to slather myself liberally with antiseptic gel.

But at least I got a blog post out of it.



      • Thanks for your concern. I’m not sure what prompts cats to lash out when being petted. Google search results say its emotional conflict. In my case, the cat came to me to be petted. But after some time, she decided to take a swipe at me. Apparently, she’d had enough. Knowing the cat’s reputation for being feisty, I was able to react quickly and avoid any serious damage.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I feel your pain. One of my volunteer gigs is showing cats for adoption. Imaging the joys of picking up a nervous cat and carrying it through noisy hallways to a showing room. The “safety hold” (analogous to how you’d carry a football into the teeth of a defensive line) simply limits the amount of body that gets scratched up. They claim the Purell sanitizer dispensers scattered around are supposed to be for preventing germs spreading from cat to cat. I know the real reason…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ouch! That sounds painful! Not only the cat scratches, but pouring sanitizer into open wounds. Talk about feeling the burn!

      I would imagine after working at a cat adoption center for a week or so, all of the volunteers look like mummies. Or Scarface.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh man, I can relate to that. I have two kittens who think they should climb everything. You know how everyone says that kittens will climb the curtains? They do!! After that, going up my leg is a piece of cake. I hope your wounds are healing nicely. You know what would make you feel better? A nice chocolate-dipped digestive biscuit. Just a thought… ;P

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You’ll get lots of comments about other special needs cats. We have one who thinks he is a princess (or some sort of ballerina perhaps) and the other we thought was blind and deaf for nine months since he refused to acknowledge that we existed (he quite likes the dogs though). You should feel privileged that she deigned to accept your lap as a suitable bed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ha ha! That made me laugh as I pictured you wondering if your cat was blind and deaf, only to find out he was ignoring you. That sounds so much like a cat!

      And, you are right, I felt quite privileged that my lap was the chosen space for a nap. The bleeding was totally worth it.

      Liked by 1 person

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