Biff Rambles On About … Flat Mojo, Mercurial Weather , the Squeaky Wall Gets the Grease, and Cheap Laughs

Alright … let’s see if I can get my writing mojo back. It seems to have wandered off somewhere.

I passed a greasy spot in the middle of the road on the way to work this morning, but I was afraid to look at it too closely for fear that it might be the remnants of my beloved mojo. I told it a million times not to walk down the middle of the highway, but you know how mojo’s are. They think they know everything.

The Polar (Opposite) Express

Mother nature is setting up Dallas with a gigantic “kick me” sign on our back.

I say that because the high temperature today is going to be around 70 degrees (21 C). Then, around 4 PM, the temperatures are going to suddenly start dropping. The winds will gust up to about 30 MPH. It is going to start raining. The temperature will fall about 40 degrees to right around freezing. There may be hail. I would not rule out locusts and boils and telemarketers.

So that means at lunch today we will be wearing short-sleeved shirts and driving around with the windows down in our car. We will be frolicking in the park in shorts and T-shirts. We will be sipping cool drinks.

And then, suddenly, we will be wearing parkas and ski-masks and toques and gloves. We will be sipping hot drinks. We will stop on the way home and buy one or two cubic feet of wood to burn in our fireplaces so that we can pretend we are pioneers out in the great plains during a blizzard.

But the most annoying part of it is that everyone will be trotting out that worn-out old phrase that people all over the world say,

“If you don’t like the weather here, just wait a minute and it’ll change.“

Except in our case, it’s true.

Creature Discomforts

Another harbinger of cold weather that I can always count on, which is more consistent and accurate than the changing of the leaves, birds flying south, and the arrival of pumpkin spice everything, is a family of rats moving into the wall of my house. It is always in the same place. Apparently when they put the siding on on my house, they left an entry point for the little buggers.

So, after putting up with this for about 5 years now, I decided to do something about it. I have waited so long because generally they are unobtrusive. I rarely hear them and never smell them, and they never go anywhere else in the house except that little nook behind the siding. Even that is not technically “in” the house, since they have chosen to go no further than the vapor barrier. They are very considerate that way.

But this year I noticed the intruders had migrated up the wall and now could be heard in the wall of the second story of my house. The time had come to act. I am generally a live-and-let-live kind of man, but I draw the line at rats in the house.

I called out a contractor and he quoted the job for me. He called the quoted price a “small sum”, but it still nearly made me stagger and swoon. However, all I cared about was that he said he could fix the problem permanently.

Therefore, I clapped my hands imperiously and said “Make it so”.

Or, actually, now that I think about it, I may have said, “Well, if you think you can fix it, go ahead.”

And fix it he did. It was beautiful! He replaced the flimsy, rat-friendly fiber board and vinyl siding with Hardie Board and painted it beautifully to match the rest of the house. Not even a rabid wolverine can chew through that stuff!

I paid his princely sum and was one happy camper.

Until later that evening when I heard a frantic rat trying to get out of the wall space he’d been entombed in.

So I had to call the contractor the next day to come out, rip out some of the work he’d done previously, and let it sit overnight to let the rat out.

This he did, waited about 48 hours, and reinstalled all the Hardie Board.

The rat apparently saw his opening, escaped, and is still on the loose.

Police are instructing citizens that, if they see the rat, to please do nothing about it.

Care for a Cheap Laugh?

Are you feeling frivolous?

I mean, who doesn’t enjoy a good frivol?

It is Friday, and what better way to slough off at work than to read a short, witty little story that will tickle your funny bone with no real investment of time on your part?

My latest Alistair and Alexis story was posted earlier this week with little fanfare and even less reader traffic.

I invite you to stop by and visit the Callingtons and have a laugh or two.

And it’s completely on the house! You’ll not find a better deal anywhere on the Internet.