Biff Rambles On About … Fruitless Fridays, Instant Lakes (Just Add Water), Being Boxed In, and a Glimpse Into the Future

Biff Hiking #4

Welcome to Friday.

Mind where you step.  The dogs have not been feeling well.

An Attempt to Move the Needle

Even though experience has shown me that posting things on Friday morning is an exercise in futility, I’m going to do it anyway.  I’ve never been one to learn from my mistakes.

I honestly thought that Friday morning was when everyone goofed off at work.  I figured posting something on Friday morning would play into the natural rhythm of the week, and that readership would be high because people were desperately looking for something to do at work, other than work.

I could not have been more wrong.

When I post something on Friday morning, the ol’ needle on the stat-o-meter will flicker slightly above zero and then settle back down.  It’s quite a rush!  It is akin to watching one of those “Mexican jumping beans” for about an hour, waiting for it to move, and then realizing that it’s just an ordinary bean.

For Sale:  Used Ark

It has been a quiet week here in Biffville (population: waterlogged).

We got more rain on Wednesday.  After receiving something like 30 inches between September 1 and October 18, we were quite surprised and happy when the sun came out and we had to shield our eyes from this new thing that appeared in the sky.  A few people burst into flames and had to run screaming to jump into the nearest mud puddle.  Fortunately, there are puddles everywhere.

But our joy at seeing the sun was short lived.  We got another 2 1/2 inches of rain on Tuesday.

But this is a good thing.  The ducks that had taken up residence on the lake that used to be a golf course near where I work were about to have to go find somewhere else to live.  But not to worry.  The golf course is once again a lake and the ducks are floating about happily somewhere near the 17th green.  Isn’t that par for the course?

Boxing Outside the Think

Someone near and dear to me suggested earlier this week that I accompany them to a new form of workout that they had discovered.  They had a free “guest pass” and so I could go for free.

Always a sucker for free things, I said, “Sure, why not?”, which just happens to be my motto.

If you are looking for a motto to live your life by, I definitely do NOT recommend “Sure, why not?” as your credo.    It almost always leads to disappointment and other unfortunate outcomes.

It turns out this new form of exercise sweeping the nation is boxing.  Yes, the kind of boxing where you put on big gloves and punch things until you can no longer lift the gloves.

I’m not a big fan of boxing (I only saw the first 3 “Rocky” movies), but I thought, “What the hey?”   What have I got to lose?

It turns out, quite a lot.

As it happened, the actual boxing portion of the program was only the 20 minutes in the middle of the workout.  The first 20 minutes consisted of something they laughably called “warming up”.  I passed “warm” in the first 20 seconds.  After that it was sheer misery.  We did lunges, push-ups, jumping-jacks, squatting jumping jacks, knee-bands, toe-touches, and all manner of other activities guaranteed to make your muscles scream at you, “Why are you doing this to us?”

Then there was 20 minutes of boxing with a large, heavy punching bag.  The instructor was calling out boxing moves like a caller at a square dance.

“Right Jab!  Left Cross!  Jab jab cross!  Right Upper cut!  Right cross!  Left cross!  Jab jab jab jab jab!  Butterfly!  Finish him!”

This went on for 20 minutes, relentlessly, at a very fast pace.  There was a slight “break” in the middle where we got to do push-ups and jumping jacks.

We were told to breathe.  It’s a good thing he reminded us, for I had forgotten how to at that point.

At the 40 minute mark, we were told to take off our boxing gloves and hand wraps, and I was thinking, “I am so glad this hell is at an end!”

But wait!  There’s more!   NOW how much would you spend?

It was time for the abdominal workout!

I have not had an abdomen since shortly after leaving high school, so the notion of “working my abs” is laughable at best.

But that’s exactly what we did.  We did crunches.  We laid on our back and pretended to bicycle.  We planked.  We did planks in a V shape.  We did sit-ups.  Half sit-ups.  Crossing sit-ups.  Crunch!  Crunch!  Crunch!

Twenty whole minutes of putting tension on muscles that had not had to do any real work since college!

So when the class finally did actually end and we were dismissed, I just continued to lay on the floor.

“Go on without me,” had become my new motto.  “Save yourselves!”

I’m just going to lay here and remember what it felt like to not feel pain.

But that was nothing … NOTHING! …. to the pain I felt the day afterwards and the day after that.

I now officially walk like an old man.

Thanks, Exercise!

Coming Soon To a Device Near You

I just wanted to give you all a heads-up that I have written a brand spanking new Alistair and Alexis story, which I will be posting either Sunday or Tuesday.

In this story, Alistair gets his own goat, Alexis depilates a sweater in front of witnesses, and a new character has Alistair splitting hares.

I’d post it today, but no one would notice.  (See the first section above if you don’t believe me.)

At any rate, you have had plenty of warning, so you have time to leave the country or seal yourself in a cave or to change your identity or cut your internet connection.

The End is Near

See?  Headings never lie.

Have a great Friday and a great weekend!







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