My Official WP Annual Performance Review

Desk Black & White #2

It has been a while since I last wrote a post on this here blog of mine.

I feel like I should come up with a list of excuses as to why that is, but then I realized that it doesn’t really matter one way or another.  It’s not like I get paid to do this.

There aren’t any WP bosses who are going to come down on me like a ton of bricks and tell me that my PPW (posts per week) metric has been down for 4 consecutive weeks.  It’s not like they’re going to hand me my walking papers and then give me the bum’s rush out the front door of the lavish corporate headquarters of WP, Inc.

Gone will be my tastefully decorated corner office on the 14th floor of the WP building in downtown.  Gone will be my fake potted plants, including my beloved fake banana tree.  Gone will be the generic art prints that festoon my walls.  Gone will be my outdated PC that is still running Windows XP.  Gone will be the Keurig coffee machine (and for which I have to supply my own K-cups) that is just down the hallway from my office, to the left at the intersection, and down another short hallway to the alcove next to the storeroom.  Gone will be the leased copy machine which is always jammed, low on toner, and suffering from network connectivity issues.

Yes, I would have to give all of that up if I were actually in the employ to WP Industries (a subsidiary of Writer’s Block, Inc., a holding company).

But I’m NOT in the employ of WP Industries.  They are not the boss of me!

Besides, their benefits are laughable.  The deductible on my medical insurance is so high that it only kicks in if I have a complete body transplant while undergoing reconstructive surgery to make me look like like an Italian supermodel soccer player.  The retirement plan consists of an empty coffee can with a slot in the top and a little sticky note on it that says “A penny $aved is a penny earned.”

So, as I stand in the parking lot of WP Industries, with my little box of personal items that I salvaged out of the trash can after my exit interview, I take one last look at the brass-and-glass monolith that I viewed with such promise a mere two years ago.

“I’ll be back,” I say.  Not bitterly.  I just say it matter-of-factly.

But then my car won’t start and so I have to go inside and awkwardly ask the receptionist if I can use the phone to call a tow-truck.

She says no … that the phone is only for official WP business.

Dang!

WP is harsh!

 

16 comments

  1. So funny,clever and hilarious….I’m afraid we all feel a little bit like wp employers at time🙄
    I really hope you will get your desk and job back…..for the sake of your readers 🤩

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You found the funny, Biff, nice post!
    Btw missed you at the summer WP softball tourney, got our butts handed to us by those nerds in tech. Could’ve used your literary prowess to write about the defeat!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Wilt! I’ll miss our hours and hours every day we spent standing around the water cooler and talking. I can’t for the life of me understand why they let me go.

      I’ll miss our softball tourneys, too. I dearly loved writing the paragraph in our company newsletter about our crushing defeats at the hands of the other departments.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Ha ha! Thanks, Bryntin!

      I guess WP has decided they no longer need my services. I’m sure they sent out the generic email afterwards saying, “Biff has left to pursue his own interests …”

      But the joke is on them! I have no other interests!

      Liked by 1 person

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