Dear Biff,
I hope you can help me. As you know, it is Tax Free Weekend here in Texas and a lot of other places. I want to take advantage of this as much as possible. Do you have any advice on how to maximize my savings?
Unfairly Taxed in Austin
Dear U.T. Austin
The best way to maximize the effects of Tax Free Weekend (TFW), is to stay home, close all the blinds, and turn off the TV, radio, and internet. Once you have accomplished that, find a room in the interior of your house, away from any windows or doors, and lay on the floor and curl up into a fetal position. It is okay to cry if you want to.
Plan B is to actually venture out to a store and to throw yourself into the madness that is Tax Free Weekend. While TFW is ostensibly a way for cost-conscious parents to save money on school supplies, it is, in fact, a clever way for the government to subtly begin to get people used to the idea of a Hunger-Games-like method of commodity distribution.
If you thought Black Friday shopping is an example of humanity at its lowest point, you should see what people are willing to do in order to save a mere 8% off of “school supplies”.
If you have ever looked at a crowd of crazed shoppers willing to trample a little old lady and her service animal to get 50% off of a flat screen TV during Black Friday, you will marvel as you watch hoards of people doing that and worse just so they can save three dollars on a backpack or a 18 cents on a pack of gel pens.
You can also watch as silicon-based life forms try to convince battle-weary store clerks that the seventeen hundred dollar Gucci clutch they want is really a backpack for their child. I’m sure it could hold at least two or three #2 pencils (sold separately). Perhaps their child is from Lilliput.
Which brings us to Plan C.
Go to Lilliput where 8% actually looks like a sizable savings and worth shanking a fellow human being over.
Biff
Dear Biff,
My name is “Cliff” and I have been married to “Jane” for about two years. She works for a large insurance company, which is really great, because she has been able to take out really huge life insurance policies on me because of her employee discount.
Last weekend she told me that, because of all the money she has saved on my insurance policies, she has booked us a mountain climbing holiday in Denali, Alaska.
I have never been mountain climbing before. Do you have an advice for an amateur mountaineer? Should I look out for anything in particular?
Cliff in Cleveland
Dear Cliff,
Yes. You should look out for any sudden and unexpected changes in altitude. Also, inspect your gear every few minutes for nicks, cuts, abrasions, oiled areas, poison spiders, etc. One can’t be too careful.
Also, prudence dictates that you should allow Jane to precede you up the cliff face (so to speak), and to be below you as you descend. If she invites you to stand at the edge of a precipice to take in the breathtaking view, take a deep breath and refuse. No one likes a pushy mountain climbing companion, particularly if they are behind you.
If you somehow make it back to Cleveland in one piece, I recommend calling the insurance company and cancelling all of your life insurance policies and donating all of your worldly goods to charity. I suspect that Calamity Jane will find those actions repellent and will repel away from you at a rate of about 32 feet/second².
Biff
Sound advice! I’ll remember it the next time I climb a mountain…
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or even just a flight of stairs. It all depends on how heavily insured you are.
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Dear Biff
The monetary thrill of riding around on a scooter and getting ‘doored’ is starting to wane. Perhaps it is my strict no-helmet policy speaking here, but are there other ‘get rich quick’ schemes that you might recommend?
Tired of working for the man (or woman) in Vancouver
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Ah, how I miss dooring! At least I think I do. Perhaps it is the concussions talking.
I’ll put on my thinking cap (which looks like a bicycle safety helmet) and get the old gray matter churning on it.
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I would also recommend that Cliff avoids taking any cruises with Jane where they have a balcony cabin…
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Good advice! I’ll pass that along to him … if I can.
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Dear Biff,
My name is Mike. I live in a small town in Minnesota. Because I live in a small town, people call me a hick. That hurts my feelings. How can I prove I am not a hick?
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Answer Unclear. (I’ll try again later.)
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Dear Biff, my name is Floyd. I work for a large manufacturing company making chewing gum. Every day I tell them they expect me to ship tasty packs of gum but they are missing an ingredient. A flavor. And they don’t like my bright idea. we should re-market it as chewable glue! Now they realize they missed an ingredient all this time. What should I do with a hundred pallets of ABC gum?
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haha
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I will have to ponder that awhile. My Monday Evening brain is not functioning very well at the moment. 🙂
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