It looks like it’s going to be another scorcher today here in Texas. Which, is pretty much like saying, “It looks like the sun will be coming up again today.”
A few days ago when I was driving home from work, the outside temperature (according to my car’s temperature display) was 108 degrees (42.2 C). I trust my car implicitly. It has never lied to me before. Certainly not about the outdoor temperature.
If any of you from cooler regions of the planet find yourself in Texas in the summer, here are some handy warm-weather tips.
Hot-Weather Tips for Visitors to Texas
- Stay inside. All day. Every day. There is nothing outside you need to see. Chances are, it is on fire anyway.
- Stay hydrated. The best way to do this is to catch a flight northwards to someplace that is inside the Arctic Circle and ask them for some something to drink. Once there, it would be a good time to look for nice houses in the area.
- When getting in your car after it has been sitting in the parking lot at work all day, do not actually touch the door handle. Use grilling gloves or pot holders. Same thing with the steering wheel. In fact, you should probably just abandon your car and plan on picking it up sometime in October.
- Wear sunblock at all times. I recommend Crisco shortening or perhaps butter. Do not use extra virgin olive oil as it tends to scorch. After putting on the sunblock, apply a nice rub of cumin, paprika, brown sugar, kosher salt, and a little cinnamon or allspice. Remember, 8 minutes of direct sunlight on each side is plenty. Garnish. Serves 8.
- Wear loose-fitting, lightweight, light-colored clothing. This will allow you to be comfortable on the plane as you are flying northwards to, say, Canada or Iceland. Or, if you decide to stay in Texas, the light colors allow your body to be spotted easily by the authorities when you collapse on the asphalt parking lot between your car and the entrance to Kroger where you had planned to crawl into the ice machine and apply for asylum.
- Stay inside during the hottest part of the day. The hottest part of the day runs roughly from mid-May until late September.
- Take frequent breaks if you have to work outside. Doctors recommend taking a five minute break every 15 seconds or so. Doctors also recommend a career change.
- Recognize the early signs of heat stroke. The earliest sign is when you put your hand on the doorknob to go outside. If you recognize yourself doing this, seek medical (or psychiatric) help immediately.
Now get out there and have fun!