Biff Rambles On About … A Low-Interest Lawn, Moving and Shaking, Shear Matt-ness, Upwardly Mobile Birds, and Model Citizens

Biff Hiking #4

Things Start Off Well …

It has been a pretty productive day, considering that it is Saturday.

Saturday is usually my day to sit around and contemplate my never-ending list of things to do.  Usually the list is so long that I just sort of lock up.  Whatever I undertake feels like I’m trying to empty the Pacific Ocean with a teaspoon.   And not even a good teaspoon.  One of those cheap ones from the Just-a-Buck store.

However, I got to start the day off by having breakfast at Einstein bagels, so the day got off to a good start.

Then, begrudgingly, I put on my grungy clothes and got outside to get busy.  But I was being smiled up on, for at that very moment, a storm decided to pass over the Metroplex.  It wasn’t really in my area, but the clouds blotted out the sun and the outflow from the storm meant that there was a cool and constant breeze the whole time I was outside.

That never, ever happens in the summer here!

And then, just as I was finishing up outside, the clouds dissipated, the breeze died down, and it was a typical summer day again.  The temperature almost instantly starting climbing from the 80s (where they’d been while I was working) and up towards 100.

So, let’s recap.  Einstein bagels for breakfast.  A freak cloud canopy and cool breeze while working outside.

I should buy a lottery ticket!

But I’m afraid I’ve already used up all my good luck for the day, and maybe even the rest of my life.

Like Herding Chattel …

After I’d showered so as to look less like a neanderthal and more like whatever it is that we’ve become as a species, I spent a little time rearranging some furniture.  If it were up to me, furniture would be immobile.  The only time it would ever move is if a high wind kicked up, blew out the windows of the house, and then whipped through the house like a concentrated sirocco.

But there are people in this world who believe that furniture should be moved around periodically.


Hair Today, Gum Tomorrow

I also got a haircut today.  The high humidity in the area makes it essential to trim it every now and then.  If it starts getting too long while it is humid, it begins to look like a rattan tea cozy that was woven by a blind orangutan on LSD.

Yes, it’s that bad.

But now it is cut and tomorrow morning after I wash the glue and xantham gum out of it, it will be back to normal.  The person who cuts my hair believes my hair must be heavily shellacked so as to preserve it in case I encounter any stray siroccos blowing through the area unexpectedly and also to make it possible for archaeologists ten thousand years from now to know what sort of hairstyles were popular among humor bloggers in the early 21st century.

As an added bonus, the archaeologists will be able to use my hair as a tea cozy.

Bathing is for the Birds

Let’s see … what else happened today?

I moved the bird bath to a different quadrant of the yard.   Yes … the delta quadrant.

(This is riveting stuff … please make sure you have taken your heart medication before reading any further.)

Either the birds in my neighborhood were in the lower percentile at their alma mater and do not know how to use a birdbath, or they have exceedingly refined tastes and refuse to drink or play in water that was not bottled from a natural spring in France.

Hey, I drank water out of a hose when I was a kid.  If it was good enough for me, it should be good enough for them!

I even let it run for a long time to get to that section of the water that does not smell like “hose”.  You think they’d be grateful!  But no!  They are apparently down the street drinking murky water from a hole in the asphalt.

Anyway, to make the water look more attractive, I moved the brand new birdbath I bought for them to a more desirable section of my yard.  It overlooks a scenic vista that provides an unrestricted view of the flower garden (that has recently been stripped bare by the bunnies living in my yard) and it is shaded by the ample and commodious leaves of the mulberry tree (which is apparently an all-natural laxative for squirrels).

I also dropped my asking price for a quick sale.

We’ll see what happens.

Later that same day ….

I went to Hobby Lobby.

I didn’t need anything, but I decided I would go use their air conditioning.  Why should I use up all my good air conditioning when they have plenty to spare?

While there I found a model of the HMS King George V Battleship marked down to three dollars!  Yes, you heard me right:  three dollars!

How could I pass that up?  They practically gave it to me!  It would have been rude not to buy it.  And it will look quite nice on the tall stack of un-built, still-in-box models that I have collected over the years.  One of these days … when I become suddenly and inexplicably bored.

As an added bonus, this model is 1/750 scale.  That means if there was a 6-foot tall boatswain’s mate standing on the deck, he would clock in at a mere tenth of an inch tall.  I expect it would be very difficult to get fitted for his uniform at that size.

Another advantage of 1/750 scale is that I won’t be able to see what I’m doing, so I won’t be slowed down by having to care about unnecessary details, like, for instance, did I remember to glue the deck to the hull?  It won’t really matter.  And the boatswain’s mate will get lost in the carpet along with that screw that holds the earpiece of my reading glasses on.

But such is life.

I also bought a 17-inch drawing pad while I was at Hobby Lobby surreptitiously enjoying their air conditioning.  Why did I buy such a thing?  Pretty much for the same reason I bought the HMS King George V.  It will look quite nice on the stack of unused drawing pads I have in my office.

So there you have it … Biff’s Saturday in riveting detail.

I’ll come back later to wake you up.

You look like you need the sleep.



    • Ha ha! You’re right: there was nothing better as a kid than some crispy lead paint chips and washing it all down with a nice, warm quaff of hose water that had been baking in the sun all day.


  1. 2 things Biff: 1st: When looking at your to do list, don’t think a teaspoonful out of the Pacific, think Atlantic, it makes the job task more manageable . 2nd or last: I set a Perrier bottle on the edge of my bird bath, it makes the birds think they are getting the respect they deserve, but the water really comes from the hose pipe. I am not saying birds are the most stupid creatures, because through my window I saw my neighbor taking a sip. (don’t tell anyone I am from Alabama).


  2. “I also got a haircut today. The high humidity in the area makes it essential to trim it every now and then. If it starts getting too long while it is humid, it begins to look like a rattan tea cozy that was woven by a blind orangutan on LSD.” This paragraph is one of the best I’ve seen in forever. You are full of gems but this one is the whole damned jewelry store!


  3. Riveting! Here, you could have watched the guys cutting and wiring the rebar for my neighbor’s RV pad. Not that it wasn’t riveting in its own right. Great read, my friend.


    • Hiya, Cagedunn! I shudder to think what sort of story might be woven out of that description … but look forward to reading it. You most certainly may use it. I only humbly ask for a small, unobtrusive credit. My readership has been sagging lately. Lol!

      Liked by 1 person

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