Ask Biff — (Feb 23, 2018)



Dear Biff,

I hope you can help me. I am 36 and I’m a manager in charge of logistics at a large company. Recently a new girl named “Rita” started in accounting and I think she is the most wonderful girl I have ever seen. I see her almost every day in the break room, but I am too nervous to ask her out on a date. What should I do?

Lou in Logistics

Dear Lou,

I find it interesting that someone who claims to be in charge of an entire logistics organization does not know how to manage the simple process of asking a girl out on a date. After all, it’s not rocket science (and thank heavens you are in no way involved in the launching of anything into space).


The next time you are standing in front of the vending machine in the break room agonizing over the decision between the gluten-free Müesli clusters (held together with milkweed sap), or the milkfat and lecithin nuggets fused together with hydrogenated palm kernel oil (now with extra gluten!) and the object of your affection walks in, try striking a casual pose. Jangle all of the loose change in your pocket. It will provide cover for the fact that you must keep your arms close to your sides to prevent her from seeing your flop sweat stains.

Now here is the tricky part. You will somehow need to establish communications with her. The mouth is considered by some to be a convenient and useful instrument for this purpose. It will, however, involve moving your jawbone up and down. I caution restraint in this. Too much and you risk repeating Samson’s rookie mistake of inadvertently slaying a thousand men. Too little and she may think you are attempting to speak to her in dolphin. So, start off simple. Maybe some soothing gurgling sounds. Work up to simple one-syllable words. Eventually, say something that could, under the right circumstances, be interpreted as an invitation to coffee or tea ( or Müesli ).

I wish you luck, though frankly it seems like a logistical nightmare.



Dear Biff,

My name is “Ginny” and I am 22 and live in Chicago. I work as a teller at the bank and I like it okay except it doesn’t pay much. Once or twice a week a man comes into the bank and he will always come to my window.

“Floyd” is older than me, but I think he is sort of good looking in his own way, even though he has a scar on his face. But he has lovely blue eyes so you don’t really notice the scar at all. He always flirts and laughs with me and I think he is sweet. Anyway, he always gives me about ten thousand dollars in low-denomination bills to put into his accounts, so I am sure he probably collects donations for various charities.  Also he has a musician’s soul, because he is always carrying a violin case.

So, my question is, since he has blue eyes and my eyes are brown, what color eyes do you think our children will have?

Ginny in Chicago

Dear Ginny,

I can’t believe in this day and age that I am having to explain something that is so obvious. I mean, did you not have to breed fruit flies in high school biology class to determine their offspring’s eye colors? Did all those hours looking at fruit fly eyes under a microscope teach you nothing? Did not having to sex fruit flies almost make you swear off eating fruit for life?

But Biff is not here to put down your obviously inferior high school. Biff is above such polemics.

Even a fruit fly knows that brown is dominant and blue is recessive. I suggest you dust off your old Punnett squares and practice your coloring skills.

But more importantly, I suggest you pick out some nice clothes for the future brown-eyed Ginny Junior and green-eyed Floyd Junior so that they can spend a pleasant hour with dear old dad on visiting day.



Need dubious advice from a non-licensed, unqualified, non-certified smart Alec? Send your questions via message to Ask Biff and he’ll get around to your question eventually when the mood strikes.


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