My name is Hank and I am a 36 year old claims adjuster for a large insurance company. My job is mostly routine, but last week I went to interview someone who had filed a claim stating that their car had suffered some minor damage in a parking lot. When I arrived at their house to inspect the vehicle, I found it was riddled with bullet holes, all of the glass was shattered, all four tires were flattened. The interior of the car had fire damage, additional bullet holes in the upholstery, and what looked to bright blue ink from exploded dye packs everywhere. When I looked in the trunk, I found what looked to be bank bags that had been cut open along with a lot of spent shell casings.
The car was shown to me by an attractive young woman who said her name is Molly, though the car is registered to someone whose name is “Big Al” Bellantoni. When I asked her where Mr. Bellantoni was, she said he had stepped out for a bit and she wasn’t expecting him back home for another 12 to 15 years. When I asked her to explain the damage to the car, she stubbed her miniature cigar out on the lapel of my suit, took a giant drink of bourbon right out of the bottle, and said that a shopping cart had bumped into it when she was at the home improvement store picking up a few bags of lime and concrete.
My question is this: I have two tickets to the ballet (“Madame Butterfly”) next Thursday and I would really like to ask Molly to go with me, but I just found out that the opera company is presenting Puccini’s original 2-act version, rather than the revised 3-act version that most people are familiar with. Do you think I should be forthright about that when I ask her out? I think she is really swell and I would really like it to work out between us. I have a good feeling about this.
Hank in Hackensack
Dear Hank In the Sack
I had a good feeling about all that Enron stock I bought back in the 90s, too … but … well … life is funny sometimes.
Also, they say love is blind, but in your case I would say it is also bound, gagged, tossed in a gunny sack, and thrown down the stairs into a dark basement (something you may want to get used to). I am certainly not one to try to discourage two young lovers from pursuing love’s first sweet blush. However, as you pitch your woo towards “Moll”, I suggest you plan ahead and start checking into the Witness Relocation Program early. There’s no sense in putting things like that off. Strike while the iron (and the loot) is hot. That is sound advice from Biff. Also, don’t buy Enron stock.
As for the two act version of Madame Butterfly … come on, man! What’s wrong with you? This isn’t 1904. Do you want Moll to think you are hopelessly stuck in the past? I suggest you take her to a nice speakeasy or someplace you can jitterbug the night away. Be sure to have your Zoot suit One-Hour Martinized. Show a little class.
I am a 25 year old girl and a professional hand model. Perhaps you have seen some of my work. I was the hand holding the bottle of Fizzie Pop soda on their most recent commercial. I am also the hand holding onto the positive early home pregnancy test in the The More You Know EPT kit. I was also the “after” hand in the wart removal ad, but that left a small blemish on my career. I was able to recover somewhat when I was hired for the “Thumbs Up for Colon Cancer Screening” campaign.
Anyway, my problem is that my boyfriend, “Hans”, is always trying to hold my hand even after I have told him a thousand times that I cannot hold his hands for contractual reasons. I have an insurance policy with Boyd’s of Milwaukee that would be voided if I use my hands for non-commercial purposes. I have offered to let him hold my elbow, but he just pouts and is very unreasonable.
What can I do?
Hannah in Hanover
Do you have any sisters? Perhaps you could fix Hans up with one of them. But seriously…
Look, it’s time for you to take the gloves off and take a more hands-on approach to dealing with Hans. Or, should I say, take a more Hans-off approach to dealing with hands. Ha ha! I slay me. But seriously …
You need to get a grip. Holding hands is an old tradition that goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve held hands all the time. She only let go that one time to pick an apple for him. Look how much trouble could have been avoided if she’d just kept holding his hand!
Hans may never be completely happy with you elbowing him all the time. You might as well give him the cold shoulder. So my advice to you is to give him your hand to hold … or he may give you the finger. And you’ll be talking to his hand.
Biff “Not My Best Work” Pow
Need dubious advice from a non-licensed, unqualified, non-certified smart Alec? Send your questions via message to Ask Biff and he’ll get around to your question eventually when the mood strikes.