Weekend Recap — With Your Host, Biff Biffington

This is Biff Biffington with the Weekend Recap.

But first, a word from our fine sponsor!

Anchorman #2

 

Tonight’s show is sponsored by the fine folks at Leroy’s Internet Addiction Recovery Centers (www.LIAR.center.org or call us at 1-800-LIAR-4YOU).  Drop by any of our many convenient centers and receive 10% off of your first Internet Addiction Intervention.  Also, many locations now have convenient drive-through service.  And, as always, you can pay online!   [Note:  Dank memes no longer accepted as payment.]

We’re back.  Tonight’s top story:

Rabid Beaver Terrorizes Woodstock Reenactment!

We go now live to Muffy Muffington.  Muffy?

Muffy:  Thank you, Biff.  I am standing here with windswept hair and a very lightly wrinkled silk blouse from Off 5th.  Also, I should point out that my skirt is also silk and is a little too short, but the crawler at the bottom of the screen will show you nothing while increasing our male viewership.

Biff:  That’s all fine and good, Muffy, but I understand there is some sort of kerfuffle at the Woodstock Reenactment.  My suit, by the way, was provided by Botany 500.

Muffy:  [laughing]  The 1960s called, Biff.  They want their suit back!

Biff:  [also laughing]  Ha ha!  Very good, Muffy.  If you see Wink Martindale tell him … something … something funny … using some sort of reference about Tic-Tac-Dough.

Muffy:  [Still laughing]  Will do, Biff.

Biff: Now what about this Angry Beaver?

Muffy:  It was a rabid beaver, Biff, and it was terrorizing the peaceful re-enactants who come here to this remote farm in upstate New York to relive the glory days.  Specifically, the three days of peace and music and over exposure.

Biff:  I believe they like to be referred to as “re-en-actors“, Muffy.

Muffy:  Ha ha ha!  You are just too funny, Biff.

Biff:  No.  Seriously.  They do.

Muffy:  Really?  How odd.  Well anyway, I found someone who was willing to be interviewed on camera and here he is now.  Sir, can you tell us your name?

Interviewee:  Stargazer Moosebray Turkeywaddle

Muffy:  Are … are you serious right now?

Stargazer:  Oh sure.  Totally serious.  My parents met at Woodstock and they were like… totally … you know … what’s the word?

Muffy:  Tripping?

Biff:  Stoned out of their minds?

Stargazer:  Into Find-a-Word puzzles.  Anyway, they were playing one of those between acts on stage and those were like the first six words they found.

Muffy:  Wow

Stargazer:  But you can call me Moose.  All my fellow re-en-actors call me that.

Biff:  Told you!  Re-in-actors!

Muffy:  So tell me more about this beaver.

Moose:  Well, we were re-enacting over there near that glade —

Muffy:  Did you say glade?

Moose:  Oh yeah.  It was a glade all right.

Muffy:  And what exactly were you doing?

Moose:  Well, we were re-enacting a pivital part of  Woodstock.

Biff:  You mean when the Grateful Dead’s set was cut short after the stage amps overloaded during “Turn On Your Love Light”?

Moose:  No, Man.  Seriously.  That meant nothing to anyone.  No, I’m talking about that one hour interlude between The Incredible String Band and Canned Heat.  Man, that was where it was at.

Muffy:  Where what was at?

Moose.  IT.  It, Man.  It!  It was like the eye of the storm.  Know what I mean?  It was like … this … heavy … psychedelic … totally … far out … nothingness.

Muffy:  Nothingness?  Then why was it pivotal?

Moose:  I’m pretty sure that’s where I was conceived.  Spirtually, man.  It was nothingness and then … bam!  It was consciousness, man.  It was … like … my plane of consciousness … melded … with this whole … earthy … Aquarian … Earth Mother …

Biff:  Are you high?

Muffy:  Well what about the beaver?

Moose:  Oh .. yeah … the beaver.  Well, we had just got the generator fired up and had the cappuccino machine plugged in —

Muffy:  Cappuccino machine?

Moose:  Oh yeah.  We’re not savages.

Muffy:  Well duh.  Anyway … go on.

Moose:  Well out comes this … this beaver.

Muffy:  Oh!  Goodness!  What was it doing?

Moose:  Well … it just sort of lumbered over.

Biff:  I thought beavers ATE lumber …

Moose:  And I was like … hey .. there’s a beaver!

Muffy:  Oh my!

Moose:  Oh yeah.  And my girlfriend, Indigo Skye Phoenix —

Muffy?  Wait … what?

Moose:  Indy.  My girl.  Anyway, she says, “That ain’t no beaver!”  And trust me, she would know.

Muffy:  And why is that, Moose?

Moose:  Because her old man a game warden up in Alaska.

Biff:   You sure?

Moose:  No, Yukon.  Anyway, she said “that ain’t no beaver” and I was like, “Whoa!  No way!” and she was like “Way!” and I was like “far out” and she was like “for sure, dude” and I was like —

Biff:  Muffy, you may have to reboot him.

Muffy:  Well was it a beaver or not?

Moose:  Oh, no.  Turns out it was Sage Nirvana Quest’s buck toothed chihuahua that had gotten into the Cool Whip.

Biff:  Sage Nirv–

Muffy:  Aww!  I love chihuahua!

Biff:  That’s it.  We’re done.  I quit.  This is the last episode of Weekend Roundup.  Signing off now.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!!


Even though you may wonder why, everything you just read is Copyright ©2018 by Biff Sock Pow.

2 comments

    • I wasn’t there, but I grew up in the immediate aftermath of it, so I came to know it through stories and movies and articles. Even so, I’m sure my perceptions of it are just pale approximations of how it really was. It must have really been something!

      Like

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