This is Biff Biffington with the Weekend Recap.
But first, a word from our fine sponsor!
Tonight’s show is sponsored by the fine folks at Leroy’s Internet Addiction Recovery Centers (www.LIAR.center.org or call us at 1-800-LIAR-4YOU). Drop by any of our many convenient centers and receive 10% off of your first Internet Addiction Intervention. Also, many locations now have convenient drive-through service. And, as always, you can pay online! [Note: Dank memes no longer accepted as payment.]
We’re back. Tonight’s top story:
Rabid Beaver Terrorizes Woodstock Reenactment!
We go now live to Muffy Muffington. Muffy?
Muffy: Thank you, Biff. I am standing here with windswept hair and a very lightly wrinkled silk blouse from Off 5th. Also, I should point out that my skirt is also silk and is a little too short, but the crawler at the bottom of the screen will show you nothing while increasing our male viewership.
Biff: That’s all fine and good, Muffy, but I understand there is some sort of kerfuffle at the Woodstock Reenactment. My suit, by the way, was provided by Botany 500.
Muffy: [laughing] The 1960s called, Biff. They want their suit back!
Biff: [also laughing] Ha ha! Very good, Muffy. If you see Wink Martindale tell him … something … something funny … using some sort of reference about Tic-Tac-Dough.
Muffy: [Still laughing] Will do, Biff.
Biff: Now what about this Angry Beaver?
Muffy: It was a rabid beaver, Biff, and it was terrorizing the peaceful re-enactants who come here to this remote farm in upstate New York to relive the glory days. Specifically, the three days of peace and music and over exposure.
Biff: I believe they like to be referred to as “re-en-actors“, Muffy.
Muffy: Ha ha ha! You are just too funny, Biff.
Biff: No. Seriously. They do.
Muffy: Really? How odd. Well anyway, I found someone who was willing to be interviewed on camera and here he is now. Sir, can you tell us your name?
Interviewee: Stargazer Moosebray Turkeywaddle
Muffy: Are … are you serious right now?
Stargazer: Oh sure. Totally serious. My parents met at Woodstock and they were like… totally … you know … what’s the word?
Biff: Stoned out of their minds?
Stargazer: Into Find-a-Word puzzles. Anyway, they were playing one of those between acts on stage and those were like the first six words they found.
Stargazer: But you can call me Moose. All my fellow re-en-actors call me that.
Biff: Told you! Re-in-actors!
Muffy: So tell me more about this beaver.
Moose: Well, we were re-enacting over there near that glade —
Muffy: Did you say glade?
Moose: Oh yeah. It was a glade all right.
Muffy: And what exactly were you doing?
Moose: Well, we were re-enacting a pivital part of Woodstock.
Biff: You mean when the Grateful Dead’s set was cut short after the stage amps overloaded during “Turn On Your Love Light”?
Moose: No, Man. Seriously. That meant nothing to anyone. No, I’m talking about that one hour interlude between The Incredible String Band and Canned Heat. Man, that was where it was at.
Muffy: Where what was at?
Moose. IT. It, Man. It! It was like the eye of the storm. Know what I mean? It was like … this … heavy … psychedelic … totally … far out … nothingness.
Muffy: Nothingness? Then why was it pivotal?
Moose: I’m pretty sure that’s where I was conceived. Spirtually, man. It was nothingness and then … bam! It was consciousness, man. It was … like … my plane of consciousness … melded … with this whole … earthy … Aquarian … Earth Mother …
Biff: Are you high?
Muffy: Well what about the beaver?
Moose: Oh .. yeah … the beaver. Well, we had just got the generator fired up and had the cappuccino machine plugged in —
Muffy: Cappuccino machine?
Moose: Oh yeah. We’re not savages.
Muffy: Well duh. Anyway … go on.
Moose: Well out comes this … this beaver.
Muffy: Oh! Goodness! What was it doing?
Moose: Well … it just sort of lumbered over.
Biff: I thought beavers ATE lumber …
Moose: And I was like … hey .. there’s a beaver!
Muffy: Oh my!
Moose: Oh yeah. And my girlfriend, Indigo Skye Phoenix —
Muffy? Wait … what?
Moose: Indy. My girl. Anyway, she says, “That ain’t no beaver!” And trust me, she would know.
Muffy: And why is that, Moose?
Moose: Because her old man a game warden up in Alaska.
Biff: You sure?
Moose: No, Yukon. Anyway, she said “that ain’t no beaver” and I was like, “Whoa! No way!” and she was like “Way!” and I was like “far out” and she was like “for sure, dude” and I was like —
Biff: Muffy, you may have to reboot him.
Muffy: Well was it a beaver or not?
Moose: Oh, no. Turns out it was Sage Nirvana Quest’s buck toothed chihuahua that had gotten into the Cool Whip.
Biff: Sage Nirv–
Muffy: Aww! I love chihuahua!
Biff: That’s it. We’re done. I quit. This is the last episode of Weekend Roundup. Signing off now.
Even though you may wonder why, everything you just read is Copyright ©2018 by Biff Sock Pow.