I was awake early this morning without the aid of stimulants, either internal or external. Normally it takes something pretty major to roust me into consciousness. Something like a particularly noisy alien invasion (I’d probably sleep through a quiet one), a pile-driver driving piles in my back yard to inexplicably build a skyscraper there, or a cat jumping onto my chest to remind me it is feeding time.
But this morning my eyes just opened up and I was awake. This is all the more miraculous since I had only gone to bed a little over four hours previously. My first groggy thought was, “Hey, I’m like those geniuses that only need about 4 hours sleep a night.”
But then as I grew more and more conscious (and coherent), I rapidly dismissed that thought as the ravings of a barely-awake madman. Would a genius spend 5 minutes laying in bed wondering if he’d remembered to prepare the coffee maker last night to turn on this morning to make coffee? No, a genius would have bounded out of bed, ran downstairs to check, and have thought of six different patent-able ideas for better coffee pots on the way. As it was, I was standing bleary eyed, pouring a cup of coffee, and wondering if ducks would prefer toasted bread over the pasty, chewy muck we throw them at the duck pond. Why wouldn’t a duck prefer buttered toast over moldy white bread? It probably sticks to the roof of their bills. Do ducks like grape jelly?
So there you have it, ladies and gentleman. Biff is no genius, particularly early in the morning, pre-coffee, and after only 5 hours’ sleep.
Sir Richard Branson and Elon Musk and Ron Popeil can rest easier today, for I pose no threat or competition to them.