Sasquatch Spotted Buying Bagels

Have you ever craved something so much that it clouded your judgement and made you do things you would not ordinarily do?  Today, I succumbed to such a craving.

It is no secret among those who know me that I love a good bagel.  And when I say “good bagel”, I mean a bagel from Einsteins.  I have tried those doughy, tasteless, toroid abominations that are sold in grocery stores and laughably mislabeled as “bagels”.  Frankly, the makers of those things should be brought up on charges.

No, it is Einstein’s Bagels or nothing for me.

Einstein bagel.png     retail_einstein

The problem is, unless I am thinking clearly enough on Friday to go buy the bagels for Saturday morning, I will have no bagels on Saturday morning.  And since I have one of the worst memories in the history of memories, I go without bagels for about 48 of the 52 Saturday mornings that occur naturally throughout the calendar year.

Another option is to actually go to the bagel shop on Saturday morning and buy them.  Again, people who know me know that this is not really an option.  I think I have made it abundantly clear in most of my blog posts that I am not a morning person.  Waking up is difficult for me.  It usually takes me about an hour after waking up to remember what planet I am from and what my name is.  Everyone who knows me has learned not to tell me anything until after I have been up for an hour or so.  They might as well tell it to a fire hydrant.  In fact, the fire hydrant is more likely to remember what they said than I am.

This problem does not clear up until after I have had my shower.  My morning shower is a necessity for two reasons.  First, and most importantly, it shocks me back into this dimension and renders me sentient once again.  And secondly, and almost as importantly, it remedies another malady I suffer from; namely, the worst case of bed head that doctors on this (or any other) planet have ever seen.  I always wake up looking like the love child of Eraserhead and Einstein (but without the light of intelligence behind my eyes).

Eraserhead (1977) Directed by David Lynch Shown: Jack Nance       Einstein

And having to take a shower, get dressed, and trying to look sane enough to go get a bagel just ruins the whole bagel-and-coffee-while-lounging-in-pajamas vibe I like to go for on Saturday morning.

Long story short, I usually have to do without my beloved bagels on Saturday morning.

But today was different.  Today the craving for an Einstein bagel was just too great.  I reluctantly changed from my pajamas into street clothes.  I did what I could with my hair, but, frankly, it was like trying to make a topiary giraffe out of a tumbleweed.  I just grabbed my keys and left the house as-is.

As I drove to Einstein’s, all sorts of scenarios played out in my mind.  I was certain to run into everyone I’d ever known.  They would recoil in horror as they saw me.  Later they would tell their friends or spouses or whoever something along the lines of, “I saw Biff today at the bagel store.  Are they shooting a remake of ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ around here?  I’m pretty sure he was dressed up as an extra.

I was certain I would be frightening the citizenry as I stole, Sasquatch-like from my car to the entry of Einstein’s.

Sasquatch

Women would be screaming.  Children would hide themselves in their mother’s skirts.   Helicopters would be circling above, with special ops police officers hanging out of them precariously with rifles filled with tranquilizer darts.

Somehow, I feared it would all end with me clinging to the side of the tallest building around, growling in rage, and taking swipes at circling biplanes.

king_kong_1

But the story had a happy ending.  I got my Einstein bagel and got to enjoy a cup of coffee and a toasted bagel at home in my easy chair.

And, really, those tranquilizer darts are not so hard to pull out since they have those fuzzy little pom-poms on them.

Tranquilizer_Dart

24 comments

    • Yes, a ten-gallon hat would have definitely solved my problem. I’m embarassed to say that I have lived in Texas for over 30 years and have never owned a cowboy hat. I’m surprised they haven’t asked me to leave!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Most of my Dad’s side of the family hails from Texas, but that side of my heritage hasn’t ever induced a cowboy hat for me either. But then I’ve never lived in cowboy country (although I don’t know if urban Texas counts in that regard).

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  1. I was up at 4h this morning. No, not not in bed yet. Actually got up at 4. To work. Note that I didn’t say “woke up”… That’s still in progress. Pity me please!

    No, don’t. I hate whining. And I chose that job. But I just know you can relate to how dang difficult it is to go back to standing position at such an early time! And why is my bed so incredibly comfy and warm at exactly that time too? Mehhh!

    Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk about… I just wanted to mention that Montréal’s bagels are known worldwide!! Here’s “the” place where you can find the finest of bagels, here 🙂

    http://www.stviateurbagel.com/Default.aspx

    They even deliver to the States… And I considered having a basket sent to your doorstep, but unfortunately, a quick search told me you weren’t done with the changing of your name officially to Biff Sock Pow. I didn’t find any mailing adress for a Biff Sock Pow in Texas :/ *Disappointed*

    Oh well… They say it is the thought that counts!

    Have a most lovely Sunday 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I say throw a long coat over your pyjamas and put on some boots. Then you can go back to lounging in your pyjamas once you get home with the bagels. But I get the same feeling when I walk across the street in the morning to get pastries for breakfast. Like people are watching me and thinking, ‘Damn. That woman is so ugly she looks like a dude.’ To which I can respond, ‘And I can’t hit you like one, too. So don’t stand between me and my pastries!’

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am very thankful to still have all my hair at my age, but most days it has a mind of its own and does not care what I want in terms of style.

      And drone-delivered bagels sounds awesome! I think that would be the pinnacle of human achievement. 🙂

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        • It’s funny, I’ve heard that expression my entire life (“holy hell”) and never realized it was oxymoronic until now. Shows you how little I pay attention to things.

          And believe me, I’m all about fresh bagels. But when I buy a dozen to get me through several weeks, freezing is the only way to preserve them. 😦 I wish it weren’t so!

          Liked by 1 person

            • Well, I only eat one in the morning. And usually only 2 or 3 times per week. And I have some help, but not much. So, yeah … they can last 2 or 3 weeks sometimes. Much beyond two weeks and they become inedible, though. 🙂

              Liked by 1 person

            • I’m so glad that I know your bagel buying/eating routine now. It meant a great deal to me. Seriously though, bagels are awesome and one should never be without them. My latest bagel mania is the addition of cream cheese (normal) and veggie bacon (weird!) Scrumptious. Never thought to put those two together before, but I suppose it makes sense. Sort of like lox…kinda…not really, but sorta….

              Liked by 1 person

            • Lol! Yes, they certainly have some very interesting schmears out there! I was surprised to find I like the veggie schmear as much as I do. But mostly I just each them toasted with a little butter. I’m not very adventurous, I guess.

              Liked by 1 person

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