Poor Biff’s Almanac — Stimulating Simulations … or Simulating Stimulation
It was a quiet day if Biffville. I spent most of the day with my head buried in a spreadsheet that was so complicated that I began to doubt my sanity. After all, no sane person would attempt to simulate real life within the pivoting matrices of a recalcitrant spreadsheet. That’s what Visio is for. With Excel you can, at best, create some crude 2-D simulations of rudimentary real-world processes.
Later in the day, I began to question my own existence. I have read that the universe as we know it is just some grand simulation that a race of super beings is running for purposes we cannot fathom (my guess is a government grant). If that is true, then why am I creating simulations within an Excel spreadsheet that approximate portions of real life … or what we think of as life? Are there little people running around in my spreadsheets who believe they are thinking, living beings, but who are, in reality, merely references to other tabs and other cells (and probably the wrong ones, at that)?
It was too much for my feeble brain to churn on so I was glad when 5:00 rolled around and I was able to flee the scene of so much simulation.
Or did I flee the scene? Perhaps I’m still there and the grander simulation is able to have me in both places at once: at my desk at work and also at my desk here at home. Is the code of my life re-entrant? Or is my stack about to overflow?
Perhaps my employer misunderstood me at my job interview many, many years ago when I mentioned that I wanted a job where I was constantly stimulated. Perhaps they heard “simulated”, for I am pretty sure the past several years have just been a poorly constructed simulation.