Poor Biff’s Almanac: Why the Day Started Out Not Sucking, but Got Better

Hair band and bobby pin

It is a lazy Saturday here in Biff-land. Well, technically, the day itself isn’t lazy.  I am the lazy one and I am just blaming it on the day.  I’m one of those people that projects my own failings onto others so that I don’t have to do anything about them.  (Just kidding!  I’m really not.  But Saturday really is a big slacker!  Ha ha!)

Not much exciting going on here in the thousand-square-mile desert of suburbia known as North Texas.  I have been cleaning house most of the day.  It really shouldn’t take most of the day, but nothing is ever simple in life.   For instance, I was going to vacuum the carpets.  No big deal.  Should take about 30 minutes, tops, AND it’s good exercise.

But of course, the vacuum cleaner sucks.  Or rather, it doesn’t suck, which sucks.  I could hold the nozzle right up to a wimpy little dust bunny and … nothing.  The dust bunny would actually drift away from the vacuum cleaner.

So, I took apart the vacuum cleaner.

[Fair warning to the squeamish.  Just go to the next post.]

Wrapped around the agitator brush, I found enough hair to donate to Locks of Love.  (Don’t worry, I’m not the sort of person who donates vacuum cleaner hair to charities.)  Using scissors, knives, needle-nose pliers, and a steel brush, I got the agitator looking brand new.  Then I cleaned out all the ports and hoses.  In the little hose within the body of the vacuum cleaner, I found several bobby pins, hair bands, a square plastic clasp that holds bread wrappers closed, clumps of hair and dust that could easily have passed for gray mice at a pet store, and several plastic “dongles” that are used to attach tags to new clothes.  Obviously, I’m the only one in the house with a “look before you vacuum” policy.  Others, apparently, have a YOLO approach to vacuuming.  They no doubt believe that, as long as the item is flat enough to be run over with a vacuum cleaner, then it deserves whatever it gets.

So, after I’d completely cleaned the vacuum cleaner inside and out, I took it for a test drive.  It worked like a charm!  It worked as well as it did the day I bought it.  It worked so well that it was actually hard to push across the carpeting because the suction was so strong.

Anyway, that’s why cleaning the house takes so long.  Because every time I start to do a 30 minute task, I have to perform a 45 minute task beforehand in order to be able to do the original 30 minute task.

Life in the modern world!


  1. Hear, hear. Of course, this is why I am relegated to toilet clogs. sink clogs and fixing the washing machine contact switch. I dole out my wisdom of what the other household member has jammed the works up with less frequently than I would if I vacuumed!

    Liked by 1 person

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