As the title above implies, today was Thursday. Like most Thursdays, I spent the bulk of it at work doing, um, work-y things. Apparently, the company I work for is willing to pay people to do what I do and I don’t feel like it is my place to take them aside and ask them confidentially, “Did you really mean to pay me for this?”
I kid, of course. I do excellent work that provides lots and lots of value to the company. If you don’t believe me, just read the self assessment I wrote as part of my annual performance review.
That is actually a thing in some companies: self-assessments. I’m not sure what they expect people to write on those. Are they expecting a frank and honest assessment? It got me to thinking about it and I came up with the following (not during working hours, of course).
What the Company Is Expecting
I feel like I really let the my corporate family down this year. Though I put in plenty of extra hours, worked weekends, and even during the birth of my first child (whom I believe my ex-wife named Mary), I just feel like there is more I could have done. Though our corporate profits were merely obscene, and did not hit the corporate goal of ‘outrageous’ that had been set for us by the executive leadership team, I feel that, if only I could have given up those two hours of sleep I got every other day, then I could have met my stretch goals. Frankly, I don’t deserve to work here and when I commit seppuku later in my office (on my own time, of course), I will try to make sure that none of the resulting mess will inadvertently drip into the recycling bin, thus causing all of the papers in there be rejected by the recycling facility.
What the Employee Actually Writes
This year Biff was awesomeness on steroids! Though not real steroids. Just metaphorical steroids because, as all of the mandatory training modules I have taken this year have so rightly pointed out, steroids are bad. I single-handedly led our division onwards and upwards to a profitability level that could only be described as “borderline felonious”. I got my name on eight patent applications. Some of my jealous and less-motivated colleagues have questioned how someone in my junior position could get their name on eight patent applications, but these are the same slackers who have questioned the propriety of my relationship with Debbie in the Patent Submission Office. While my indolent co-workers (named in Attachment A to this self assessment) were participating in an illegal gambling operation in the packing department, I invented MS Word. Then I magnanimously allowed Microsoft to take all the credit for it because I know our software products division is already falling behind on many of their projects and could not have handled the extra workload. I think they need a good dose of the Enlightened Leadership of our Executive Leadership Team. I know it sure turned my life around! I used to be a hobo, when when our wonderful and generous CEO, Thadeous T. Bonepicker graciously deigned to hire me, I became an entirely different person. A person who, I might add, while working with orphans and stray animals on my own time, managed to formulate a strategy to improve our market capitalization, which I will be more than happy to share with our Executive Leadership Team if I am allowed to work here for another year.